A few nights ago I dreamed of my grandma's house in a version I've seen a few times in my dreams. Instead of my grandparent's room being the end of the house there was a sun porch that was bright yellow with sun, it was so so beautiful. It looked like an old 60s design with yellow paint chipping and bright flowers on a white back wallpaper. My grandpa was there, he looked younger and thinner.

Last night I kept having really weird dreams that I couldn't understand at all but I knew they were about Nana and my dad's family. It was like I was watching it on a TV with bad reception, the picture kept coming in and out of focus and snow. I kept dreaming this all night, it wasn't something I could understand at all and that was making me scared and confused.

I had another dream where I was in a KMart that I've visited before in my dreams, then I was in a dead end street. I was sitting on the sidewalk staring at a puddle, I could see Saul's face in the puddle, we were talking. Then we were in my room but I lived in a hotel on my own. He was going to sleep over, he laid down in my bed and I laid down next to him. We had the best sleep, I remember waking up from the dream sleep very happy and the sky was very sunny with the air cool, like in springtime. I felt the greatest I'd ever felt in a long time.

Then I was back on the dead end street with a dark hotel to my right and I was trying to park. I knew my mom was irritated and grouchy and I wasn't making things better by talking to Saul in the car to tell him about our plans. It was my birthday in the dream. Going into the hotel, there was a buffet behind the lobby, like a casino hotel except this place was very dark and decorated subtly. This was also another place I'd visited in my dreams that resembles a movie theatre I used to frequent as a child. (In the previous dream I had of this place I met Marilyn Manson.)

I went up some stairs where my mother was in the boss's office or something like that, it was a tiny room that only fit herself and a few monitors. She was supposed to be the manager of the hotel now even though she didn't know what she was doing, for some reason I knew my dad was away. She was still in a bad mood and it was making me sad cos it was putting a damper on my birthday. My brother was there in the stairwell coming up to the room, it was so tiny and narrow the stairs were like going up a tunnel in a cave. I asked her what she wanted to do cos I wasn't that hungry, if I should get a combo platter or a regular buffet dinner. She grumbled that she didn't care what we did, and I knew she didn't want to pay for the full meal so I said, "Okay...corn it is" (IDK why). When I got downstairs I was eating in front of a window and I was anticipating that Saul would come back soon, I kept eating even though I was waiting for him to come to get started but I knew I couldn't get in contact with him cos he didn't have a cell phone. Also, we kept changing plans several times and to please my mother I had to go with the plans that less irritated her. I kept eating and eating even though I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to eat anymore but I knew if I didn't my mom would take offense. I was miserable.

The dream ended like it started, dreaming about the family, but we were trying to do something for Nana as if she were alive and I could see the back of her head and the side of her face. My Uncle Richard lept up and took the flowers off her coffin and said, "No we can't do this, we have to..." and that's when my alarm woke me up.

The family was cos of the really confusing conversation about the plans for Nana's funeral last night, I heard a lot of stories about the family and my brain was trying to process them all at once. The hotel cos Saul said he might have to stay in one after his release. We used to talk on the phone all the time but after a while all we could do was text. The family was talking about how Pops (dad's dad) was away for 2 years doing time in prison and left my Nana with 7 kids to take care of, I guess my dad took Pops place and mom took Nana's place in the hotel. My mom's been super irritated lately cos of my dad's unwillingness to communicate, making me the mediator. My brother and I used to both comfort my mom. I've been eating a lot even though I'm not hungry out of nervous habit and not to be rude to my family who made the food and would pressure me to eat anyway. Almost all the family members are at odds about what to do with the service.

To the long road ahead of us...