Dear God, everything is being taken from me. Today is the official day that Jordan doesn't come back to the house. I knew this day would come, but I didn't want to admit it. He's going back to his mother's house. When we dropped him off, I cried to myself the whole way to my cousin's birthday party. I don't want him to go. I love him like a brother, more because he's actually more of a brother that my own Little Bro. I don't want want him to leave. No one asked me how *I* felt about this. This is killing me. I don't want him to leave. I miss him already.
We went to that stupid party, I ate food to not be hungry but I just felt aweful and nausiated afterwards. I say this with all seriousness and by no means any lightness: I think I have an eating disorder. I have been struggling with food since I was in the 6th grade, but these past three months and especially this week has been a trial with food. Between Vidal's hawk-like monitering over what and when I eat and Little Bro's constant tormenting comments on my weight and my apperance, I find that eating food has become physically repulsive to eat. I've thought about purging my food before, but I don't want it to come to that.
Dad bought me an exercise machine today (the one I've been wanting since my birthday) so that's step one. Step two comes with the machine; there's a sensable eating plan packed in with the program. Good and bad for me; I have to make TWO dinners for the family and for myself now. It's not going to be the same...I don't have to make bigger than four portions anymore...
***This is the part where I pour out my heart and it may not matter what I wrote in the morning because this is how I feel right now, so don't take it to heart whatever I write after this because my emotions are ever-changing***
This whole entire week I've thought about locking myself in my bathroom and slicing my wrists...just letting them bleed out and watching the blood seep from the insicions I've made...slowly looking as my cuts, from my wrists to the insides of my elbows, bleed profusely with no hesitation as to what will happen afterwards. There will be a note as to why and how taped to the mirror, hopefully withstanding the fog from the warm water. It's hard for me to block these thoughts out and it's harder for me to admit them. I'm supposed to be a role model to so many people and I'm nothing but a lie that I've posed for people, so that maybe they can see what's beautiful inside of themselves.
I have no job, no schooling, no one to talk to. I can't talk to anyone about this because they're talking to completly selfish and pitiful person. I can't pull myself out of what I've made for myself. I don't know how to. I've asked God to try to take these thoughts out of my head, for some sort of peace. I'm just so scared right now of what will happen, of what tomorrow brings. I can't talk to my boyfriend because he threatens me with his own harm if I do something. I can't talk to my church friends because this might horrify them or turn them against me. That I'm at such a weak point and I don't know what to do, even though I should. I can't talk to Tonzy because I know how he feels about people who are suicidal. There will be no help for me.
The worst part of my depression comes in waves around the night time and it makes me think that I won't make it past the night. I feel completly hopeless and helpless against the night. There is no salvation here. I used to live for the night, for the peace and the dark. Now it terrifies me.
I've been extreamly moody and selfish. I have been manipulative and greedy. I have been everything that I would try not to be for the sake of being loved. But I can't hide what I am. I don't know who I am. But I know how I feel. I feel hopeless and unworthy. I feel scared and nausiated and tired of all the fat jokes and put downs and complaints. Mostly because I know that they're all true. I can't hide what I am when I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see anymore. I'd trying to remember if I ever did. I've been trying to atone for my misdeeds in the past and I can't. There's too much I've done. There's too much I've been doing, still. I don't want to try anymore. I don't know how to get myself out of what I've made. I need help but I don't know where to go anymore. I'm so alone. Even with everyone I know, I feel so alone. I don't want to leave this earth unfit for where I might belong, but I don't want to stay knowing that I've hurt so many people. I don't know how to be happy and I don't think I can be anymore.
Except for when I'm at church, I'm very unhappy. But when I'm at church, I feel so wonderful. But I can't be there all the time, and I'm not going to be welcome the way I am. Come as You Are doesn't apply to me. I'm beyond help. I don't know if I'm going to survive another night. I don't know what to do!!! I need help, damn it!?
God, I miss Adrian...I know he could help me right now...I miss Lyndon because he would be able to help me, too...everyone I love...can't help me anymore...I'm so lost