I slept maybe 3 consecutive hours. The rest of the night was the nagging thought of Mike getting married. I kept thinking to myself, How the fuck was I going to find out? How was the 'repsectful' way of telling me if the text message was 'proper'? Why did they tell me that nothing was going on on SATURDAY when they got engaged on FRIDAY? Why did they say they didn't tell anyone when it was on Liz's myspace that she was getting married? Why does it seem like this is all happening way too fucking fast? I'm past the shock and come into the anger. Let's see, denile, shock, anger, next is depression and acceptance. Fun. Had I known they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I could have handled that, but they're engaged, getting married, he's going to be the father of her children that she has already and future ones. My God. This is a lot to absorb. How the fuck can I go back to work now? How can I possibly see them together? The only reason this is bothering me is because this came out of the fucking blue. I mean, people told me that they were dating and shit, and someone told me that he bought her a ring and whatnot, but still, I had no idea how big this was. I'll break down later. When I break down, I feel like I'm at the feet of Jesus and He's comforting me. And that feels really good. Jesus is the only man who will always love me, always be there for me and never send me away so long as I love him and live right. This whole experience has been an eye-opener to the person that I was, is, and wants to be and now I hope I can just extract everything that happen out of my veins and get it out of me. I want to let this go. I want this to not effect me anymore. I want to move on. I didn't want to back when this was all barely happening, I wanted to wait for him, but I'm VERY glad I made up my mind to get over him or else when this happened I would have just crumbled into nothingness. I have all the tools, I have all the know-how, I just need to put it into play. Plus I know in my heart, still, I had NO business getting engaged at 21. I need my freedom still and I could never really see myself married to him and having a house or being Mrs. Mercades Nunez. (yet, i could picture having his kids, so there was definetly something wrong with that picture because I DO want to be married before I have any children) ANd I would think of other guys from time to time even after I stopped cheating on him so I know that he wasn't the true love of my life because I wasn't 100% on him all the time. I'm glad that he found someone who won't hurt him or cheat on him or be unfocused on the relationship and who want the same things. Because I couldn't give that to him. I tried to be what he wanted me to be, but I just couldn't do it. I am sorry that I hurt him, but I make no apologies for not being ready. You can't force someone into something like that. I have a lot of living to do before I settle down with someone and I have no intentions of slowing down. I just need to take things easy for a while or else I'll lose control of what sanity I have left after this. I handled myself when Henry left me for my ex-best friend and I didn't kill myself then, I'm not going to do it for someone I know wasn't right for me now. So don't worry. I'm just a bit disenchanted with guys for right now. (Except for my homies, you guys rock!) Maybe I'll try going back to sleep for a while. I have a doc appointment later. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Never has there been a winter so cold