No joke. Mike's engaged. To liz. He has been for a week now. They didn't tell me because they wanted to respect me. This is a big big thing, and I'm shocked as all hell about how fast these things are going on. And I'm still reeling over the fact that Mike's gonna be a CSM and I'll have to answer to him so this is another thing to deal with. I saw them today with his arm around her. That was bad enough. I sent him a text and Liz answered it and that's how I found out that they were engaged. Mike called me and we talked for a half an hour about all the stuff that went into it and how it happened and all that good shit.

I'm shocked. I'm stunned. I'm in disbelief. I'm amazed.

But How do I really feel?

Relieved.

I finally have some sort of closure. And I really want them to be happy. I'm over Mike, I really am, but I wasn't over the hurt he caused me after we broke up with me. He broke promises and stuff, that's why I was hurt, but I'm getting over that. What's puzzling is that we're not even broken up 3 months and he's ENGAGED. But I know this is what he wanted all along, that he wanted to get married and have a family and now he has that. I am really happy that this is all over, because I knew in my heart something was going to happen between Liz and Mike, I just knew it. And I had to picture them together and had to put it in my mind that they were together even when they wern't yet and that helped me A LOT in dealing with this news. I just have to get used to seeing them together and let that pain overtake me until it goes away.

I'm eerily calm right now and I'm crediting my Lord Jesus for that. I went to church and asked for Him to make me forgive and forget Mike and take him out of my thoughts and all the hurt that happened in the process. And I prayed for someone to come into my life that will add to it and not BE my entire life. I made that horrible mistake. Never again. And I will NEVER cheat on another man as long as I live. Or put as much of myself in another relationship so soon. Or justify things I'm doing that compinsate my state of mind, values, sense of self, or religion. I've learned many a lesson and I'm glad that I learned them. Usually this would be wrist slitting season or cutting time, but that's fucked up for me giving anyone that much power over me. And that doesn't solve shit, just makes people dissapointed and worried.

MY MOTHER IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST AND I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. SHE'S BEEN A ROCK AND AN ABSOLUTE TERRIFIC WOMAN FOR GIVING ME HER ADVICE AND BENIFIT OF A SIMULAR PAST RELATIONSHIP. I LOVE YOU, MOM! I LOVE YOU!

I knew that Mike and I wern't ment to be together, and in some cosmic way, him following me in going to work at WalMart enabled him to meet his true love so I guess everything *does* happen for a reason. I got him closer to God, and he kicked my ass into shape and taught me lessons that I'll never forget. I'll look back on this fondly in the future, I'm sure I will. And I'll get over all this information I've just learned and I will wait for the one absolute true love of my life to come into it and be a blessed part of it just as Mike has found his.

It's the waiting that kills me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God I want to let it go