Lately, things had been good. Despite school being on the brink of closing and friends not calling, things had been good. I went to Disneyland with Matt last Friday, first time in 10 years. Went to California Adventure for the first time. That was a LOT of fun, the whole day was awesome. :) I went to a bbq with my family to my aunt's, she said I was looking a lot better now. :) I was glad to see my family. I had lunch with a friend, drank a little, had good fun. I visited him at the doctor's for an appointment. I felt happy that I could help out. I went out with Tonzy, first time in a while now! I miss him and I was feeling like we were coming apart but we're okay, hopefully we keep more in touch. Tako called me for a random question, that made my night!

Later and randomly, things started to get bad. I good stood up in a pretty messed up way. I got invited out, then that person called me and asked what time a certain resteraunt closed...while someone else was in the car. Then they hung up, and I texted that person to ask if we were still going out and he never texted back. I know he went out with someone else, that doesn't bother me at all, what bothers me is that he didn't have the balls to tell me at all. Then he asked me out yesterday, I said no cos I already had plans and asked him why he blew me off. He responded with a dramatic "I'm sorry, I'll never invite you out again, I didn't mean to blow you off, I'm sorry" But didn't give me a reason still. I don't get people. That's such a fucked up thing to do, invite someone out, then go out with someone else, even after you contacted the person you were supposed to go out with and made no mention of plans canceling. If he said, "oh, change of plans, rain check?" or whatever, I would have been fine with that. And to just completely shut off contact when confronted? That's really juvenile. He knows he messed up, he just doesn't want to face me. I accept his apology but don't accept this bull, especially from someone who claims to be so much more mature and respectful than the average man.

More men have been crossing their boundaries with me, more respect and trust lost, more disrespect toward me. What is it? Why is it? Why do people think they can cross me or forget about me and when they need me they can just pick me up again, especially when they said they were better off without me? Why does everyone think they can treat me this way? I'm so tired of this place, this world, everyone in it who doesn't do anything. Everyone who's just out to get theirs and fuck everyone else. I put rules and boundaries, I put lines, it's like everyone at once decided to cross everything about me. For the past few months now things have been getting worse and worse, my depression and anger has come to a boiling point and it's scaring me. I don't feel like I'm functioning correctly, all I ever do is cry and sleep and eat and go to school. Everything makes me fly off the handle emotionally. Today, I got pissed off over something small and I threw something. I haven't done that in years. That's not good. I physically threw something and I've been in here ever since crying and not knowing what to do with myself. I can't stay here, I'm going to die here. I'm not well in my head. I'm not safe here.

The only thing that keeps stopping me from doing something incredibly selfish and stupid is the fact that I know Saul's waiting for me and loves me unconditionally no matter what extreme state of mind I'm in, my friends who are for true my good friends with no hidden agendas or false smiles, and that God wants better for me. I know I can do better, it's hard right now, I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of this cycle I'm in. I'm against going on pills again but something tells me I'm supposed to be on them cos I'm getting worse. I'm scared of going to the hospital again, but at least there I know I can't hurt myself. I'm having those thoughts again, they never leave me, they only go away for a little while. I want them to go away, normal people don't have that as a resort. I can't hurt myself anymore. I made a promise. I thought I could manage this on my own, I thought I could do well by myself. I'm pissed off because I can't, no matter how hard I try, control myself. I was doing so well but I break more and more often. I'm angry with myself because I know I'm letting other people down, people who wanted me to get better and may have given up on me already. I don't want to let anyone important to me down. It's easy to forget people once they've become nothing, and I don't want to become nothing.

I'm still looking for a job, still going to school as long as I can, still trying to be reliant on no one else but myself, trying to find help and accept help where I can, trying to get myself out of this hole. I look forward to my escapes, to my progresses and to putting a lot of this uglyness behind me. This is such a hard point in my life, one of the hardest I may dare say. I'm not used to being constantly bombarded and broken down this much and at what I feel is a very low point for me. I'm being chipped away while trying to repair. I don't have a lot of options right now but I'm going to try to make those options wider and give more of myself to making me better.

I know I haven't been the greatest person right now, or the cheeriest, or the most optimistic, but I still love you all and don't want to let anyone down. I look forward to seeing anyone anytime they'd like to see me. I'm sure being with people will do me good. I know my soul is sick, I know I need to surrender to God and do better to listen to Him. I look forward to whatever happiness finds me. Please pray for me, I'm sick but I want to get better.

xoox, Mercades