My Little Bro's been all spazed out and psycho ever since his manipulative whore girlfriend, Koda, has played with his heart like an organ on Sunday. He's been cutting himself and everything, that's "normal" around here, I did that at his age. (Hell, I barely stopped doing that in the summer) It's difficult for him to wrap his mind around the idea that this relationship is ending and he doesn't want to admit to himself that she is not good for him, but at the same time he can do nothing except try to win her back. I went through the same shit with me and Luminous and I hate to se my brother on the recieveing end of all this manipulation. And I don't even like my little brother!!!

So last week he went to the psych doctor so he could get his head poked and the doc said that he needed to be admitted to the mental hospital and little brother said no and my mother, who is not a strong woman, went along with him. My little brother is mean, cynical, apathetic, selfish and uncompromising. He is angry and emotional. I think a stay at the hospital would do him some good. I can't stand him, but at the same time it's wierd to hear him crying and sad. He's caused me so much pain and he's betrayed me so many times, but I can't ignore the fact that he's from my flesh and blood and I've walked the path that he's on right now. He's going to have to learn the hard way.

And my mother is totally stressed about the whole thing. She doesn't want my brother to go to the hospital because (and I quote her), "Then our lives have to revolve around you>" Mom has been saying a lot of stuff like that. In my humble opinion, she shouldn't have had kids if she didn't want to sacrifice her life for ours. Mom needs to go to a hospital, too, she's been getting all angry and bitchy about every little thing. She needs to up her Paxil.

And at the same time, this is really hard for her and she needs me, but she's pushing me away. She says I spend too much time at church, but she doesn't know that that's the only thing that keeps me from completely going out of control. I love church and it's my sancuary. People love me for who I am and I don't have to impress anyone. It seems like things were better off between me and her when I was on drugs and had no church life, when I was at home in my room all the live long day getting high and emotional, cutting myself. Those days, I would come out of my room with my eyes completely bloodshot and glassy and she wouldn't give two shits about what emotions I was feeling.

Now that I think about it, my mom and my brother need to be hospitalized for a really long time. That, and I need to get a car of my own. I can't wait for my fake ID to come in so me and Damien can go clubbing together. I miss him. I didn't hear from him today. I did get to see him really early yesterday morning and he kind of went crazy on me again, but this time I was smart enough to bring my bremuda knife to defend myself. It didn't do much good, actually, because when he started shoving me and yelling, I just froze and I didn't know what to do. I finally took it out and held it to my throat and I told him, "If I go, the blood will be on your head!" and he broke down crying for a while, then I went to sleep, then I went home.