*&%^%^*, swear. I spent all day with my church friends and I swear if I didn't have church I'd totally fall apart. My parents swear I spent too much time there, well I do it because I can't stand being at home and I can't stand my dad anymore, nothing I do is good enough. I kept my room clean for a month and he didn't care because it wasn't "clean enough". I do everything he asks me to and he still wants more. My best isn't good enough. I hate this situation I'm in right now. I have to get my hands on some money. I have to keep up with all my hcurch meetings. I have to do all the things they want me to at home. I hate this right now. I've gotten so fat from all this stress and my little brother gets away with murder while I get yelled at for having a few dishes unwashed.

Dad told me to take the trash out of the bathroom to my brother and I told dad that it was little brother's job. He told me, "You don't always do what I tell you." and I told him, "No, but I'm not out of control, am I?" He told me never to tell him that again. He doesn't like being faced with the truth. I hate this whole thing. I can't be happy right now. So many things are staring me in the face. I'm so tired, stressed, and worn down. I don't want to be, though. I want to live my life, MY life, I don't want to do the things that my parents want for me. THey want me to get a job and "do something with my life". My life is church, can't they understand that? If I didn't go to church I would be cutting myself and doing drugs. They don't understand and I don't want them to understand.

At least I can kind of count of Damien. He's been my dark magnus through this whole thing. He takes me away and lets me forget everything, even if it's just for a few moments, I love him for that. I hate the pain he causes me, but it's worth it for the few moments of blank absense I get from reality. I can't cope with this forever. I only want a job so I can save up for an apartment and leave everything here behind. THere is nothing here for me anymore but grief and confusing and a bar raised too high. I hate this.

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