My emotions haven't been quite in check as I've been holding back a great deal of my sorrow for fear that if I ever let the floodgates through it will kill a part of me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from being emotional all the time. I finally had a break though, not the good kind.

Yesterday was fun, mom and I tried to go to confession but it didn't happen. My car rolled backward at the gas station-with my mom in it. O.O Good thing she was in there cos she had the sense of mind to step on the brake. I saw Kevin in the parking lot of Walmart where I returned some swim shorts (cos I got some at the thrift store MUCH cheaper) but got back the change on a giftcard. ggrrrrr. We had dinner at Sizzler, it was a perfect meal.

I started having bad anxiety before I came home. I changed and went to Fina's b-day party at her house. I was happy to see Tako there, I hadn't seen him in a long time. (a long time for me, anyway) I talked to MPsy and Tako most the night. I saw Tim is Awesome, he truly is awesome. :) I found out Arlene and Tako are going to the same Silversun Pickups show as I, tix are sold out!

After a while, I was feeling too anxious, too emotional, thinking too much, not feeling like myself at all. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to just disappear but I knew if I told certain people they'd want me to stay and I didn't want to make a big deal about it. So I told Tako that I was leaving, he walked me to my car and he gave me some drunkenly advice, mostly that what happened to Saul was f*cked up and that he doesn't like to see me like this. He's a friend in true...I can't say more about him or else he'll get mad at me. But he's awesome.

On the way back to my house, I couldn't handle it anymore and I started crying and screaming and yelling in my car. I get self-concious crying in my car cos I always think someone in the back seat will pop out of nowhere (I don't know why, totally unfounded fear of mine) but there's a certain sense of utter comfort knowing that I could have a fit like that in my car without anyone really knowing. It felt so awesome to be able to scream. I wanted every piece of anger to come out, to do that though would surely made me crash. I want to believe that my sleep had everything to do with this, or lack thereof; I'm tired. Tired, from the inside out, tired.

Coming home, I dove straight into a pen and paper to write to Saul. I fell asleep writing. I woke up to change and as I closed my eyes I saw flashes of light in the dark of my head, I know not what it was from. This is the night everyone decided to text me at horrible hours of the night. I wanted sleep. It was not acceptable, the noise. Unacceptable and puzzling as to why two certain men decided to text me that night though I had not talked to them in months and months. Leave me alone.

Woke up early for church, tried to cook but couldn't concentrate. I was angry and moody. Mom helped me by taking over the cooking. I got dressed nice to see Saul, it was a bad day to wear heels, especially since they're a size too big. But I saw him, he's going to release his clothing to me next time I visit. I look forward to sleeping in his clothes after I wash them. I cried most of the visit because I was scared to have displeased him and I was so tired and angry and I wanted him to see me that way because I knew somehow he'd understand and make it all better, I know he could see how hard I'm trying to be good and he'd make me believe that it was enough and that everything I was feeling was alright in his eyes. He can do that. I wish I could do that for him. And I knew he'd say he was putting too much on me, and maybe he's thinking of letting me go because of it, but I don't want to go anywhere because if I could have left him I would have done it a long time ago when all this started but I never thought of that because I knew this would be hard, I knew this would be painful. But I knew about all else that this was the man I want and love and whatever path was ahead of us, it would be worth it. And is has been. And it is. I don't want to leave his side, ever, no matter how bad things get. I don't him to leave me because he thinks he's putting me through too much. This is what I need, this is making me better, he is my push to be better and be beautiful and a woman. Who would want to take something like him away from me? Who would want to do such an evil thing? Who?

tl;dr: I was happy he thought I looked pretty.

Came home to get into comfortable clothing and went to my Nana's house where Matt and I texted like mad. There's something about sitting in the room with the adults finally understanding their witty/sarcastic/personal jokes and comments that make me feel like one of the family for true. So many secrets coming out, it's sad really. One of my uncles has been initially cast out of the family which makes me sad because I love all my family and I have a child-like attitude about why he isn't around anymore. It was great to see who was there though. My Nana (dad's mom) is 89 now, not great health, but I know she loves me and she knows I love her I'm sure. Dad walked me to my car as I left. I finally watched the third Matrix movie and I appreciate the whole series a lot more than I did when the craze came about. I shouldn't have had those pizza slices, though, I had a glucose panel to do in the morning.

Tomorrow: take mom to work, conveniently I have a doctor's appointment in the morning there as well. Go to the mall to buy mom's Mother's Day gift, call the unemployment office to reschedule my telephone interview concerning my schooling because I'll be in jury duty. Upsetting: my jury duty starts on Spring Break. *cringe* I was hoping to get some rest but instead I'll be up bright and early every day to go in LA traffic. Normally I don't complain but I really wanted to take a rest.

Anyone up for Little Tokyo after 5pm the week of April 13th? I'll be in the area.

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I will wait for thee until the moon crashes into the sea