Bright spots of the day: I made Cyrene a shopped photo, that was seriously fun! I got out of the house and put in my shiny new resume and cover letter to apply for four job openings at Kaiser. Win.

Didn't make an appointment to see Saul tomorrow even though there was a possibility he would stay were he was. I'm angry at myself for not making the appointment anyway. In the words of my dad: shake it off. I'm going to have to. Cruuuuuuud.

Saul called me at 3:22. I checked my phone at 3:25. Cruuuuuuuud.

I put green extensions in my hair. Bright green.

He didn't call me again until I was at school, it was potluck day so I drove my car cos I wasn't going to walk with a big pan of bean dip. (I made some awesome green chicken cream soup, too!) We weren't going to do anything today, so it was like sit there, eat, and play doctor.

Saul said through the stupid broken static, crackling phone,
"*crackle* I *static* Didn't *hiss* Sign *snow* The *buzz* Deal*"
Relieved? Much, but I didn't get to talk to him past that cos when he hung up to try to talk on another phone, there was no more money on the card. Crud. And guess who didn't bring her wallet with her to school today? Lesson learned.

Dummy. >.<
After everyone nomed, I told Teach I had to leave. Mental health day. I road home. And cried the whole way there. Cried and cried. If there's anything worse than driving home not wanting to be home, it's when you realize you have no place else to go. Truly. Horrible.

I came home. Parents were okay with me being home. Dad asked for ice cream. Mom asked to look something up on the 'net. I talked to Tak, I'm going to haunt him on Sunday. Going on Thursday to visit Saul with his mom and brother. Going on Sunday by myself. I want to go by myself.

I have GOT to stop being stupid every time something like this happens. It's a part of my life now but I guess I haven't quite assimilated to the prison wife life yet. >.< Not quite hardened, and I'm missing a tattoo of Saul's name on a really obvious part of my body. (I am totally joking about the tattoo btw O.O) I did do a lot but I also failed to do enough. I cannot break down every time this happens. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this. I can do more than this now. I have to cos I know I can now.

Saul...I failed you today...I'll do better next time, I will...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

one more medicated peaceful moment
and I don't want to live with this overwhelming hostility