I woke up late today, as always, but Jordan woke me up around 12:15 or so becuase (*gasp!*) Mario called me! Squee! *joy* He said he had to get my number from Tonzy since I didn't leave it. (doy doy me) He asked me if I was ready to go anywhere and if I wanted to go with him to Sears to pay a bill. I kicked myself for sleeping in so late, then I told him that I'd go with him! He said he'd pick me up at 12:30 so I hauled ass to get ready before that. I had some time left over after I got ready.

He picked me up at the door and he pet my kitties and we were off. I was so shy and speechless in front of him. I couldn't hold a steady conversation. I felt so bad! I felt like I ruined things with him. And he said he likes when the girls make the first move, but he also said many a time tonight that he does not want a girlfriend. *sigh*

We spent a lot of time in the mall before we went to pay the bill at Sears. I got to learn more about him and I feel like maybe we could at least be really great friends. (Hopefully)

After the mall we went to Target to pay that bill and he let me read some of his poetry. He writes lovely poetry. Then before he left, I went against my better judgement and I gave him the poems that I wrote. (My Beautiful and the one with no name: I ended up calling it The Truth) I came home happy and I was feeling OK about the whole thing. But I did feel like if he had any interest in me before, he certainly didn't now. :(

I called Tonzy as soon as I got home and he told me that I scare people with my poems because I don't develope a bond with them, but at the same time he said, "Good things come to those who wait, but unpatient people get the same thing faster". ::confused:: Anyway, I'm pretty up in the air as to how he feels about me, and especially after he read the poems. I could have called him but I didn't. And he has my number, too, so it's not like it's a one-way thing anymore. grrr. I'm so torn right now.

The Edge Night was pretty OK. They're only one of them left. (Which is good and bad. I like the kids, but I want my summer, too! :P) Phil twisted his ankle skateboarding on the sidewalk. Dork.

I'm a bit upset with myself because of the whole Mario situation. I'm kicking myself for not acting like myself during the day with him and for giving him the poems because I know how it's going to end. I know why I did it though: I don't know how to be happy. And I'm scarred of rejection if I invest myself thouroughly so if I get it over with now it's going to be less of a blow and I can try to pursue other things. Ugh. And it's not so much that I want a boyfriend, but I want to be with someone that I can actually feel something with. It's frustrationg that I can't feel anything but numbness or pain when I'm with someone. I want to feel. But not to the extent where it's an impure act. I'm so torn. (*sigh*) I hope this works itself out soon...

http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258