Again, the same person decided to trash me. But she had ammo. She had supporters. I can't help but feel a little piece of me die. I've cancelled my subscription to the website. I don't feel comfortable there anymore. That used to be my safe house, a refuge. A place for me to be crazy. It's not anymore. I only made it worse for myself. I should have gone back and covered up everything. But that would be another lie on top of a lie.

I don't love myself, the way I am I mean. I think this was a good wake-up call, but I feel so shitty about everything right now. I don't have anything solid anymore. Everything keeps changing. I'm still with my mouth just above the water, but now there are weights on my arms. I have to struggle harder to get myself out of this sadness, this depression. I can't let others see me for who I am because I've started to believe my own lies. I'm a terrible person. I can't live like this anymore. There has to be a change. Or else I'm going to walk down a path of horrible bleakness. And I don't want to take that walk. I want to walk with Jesus. I want his friendship more than these fake people's friendships. These plastic disposable people don't mean anything to me. Or at least I'm going to try to keep it that way.

Again, this pain is like when Luminous broke up with me. It's a separation that I want no part of. Because it's familiar and horrible. And I don't want it anymore. I feel the stabs of anger and rejection. I don't like this feeling, though I've put myself through it so many times. I feel like I lost someone. I feel so sad. I'm so upset.

Well, at least it keeps me from eating.

Good news admist the gloom. Tonzy came over with picys of his girly friend. :) She's pretty. We watched Spun and ate barbeque chicken pizza. (Which was pretty gross, the pizza I mean, but at the same time it was pretty zesty) I went to moms work earlier because I had a doc appointment and I saw Princess there, looking beautiful as always. I think she has ROP there.

http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258