Oi. On the website that I frequent (www.geekculture.com) some person decided to gather all of my posts into one collective post and rag on me the whole time. Granted that I had a user name in the past that was a complete fabrication, this person just totally trashed me with words. I feel really sad about this because this person doesn't know anything about me, and at the same time I don't know why I care. I care, and I hate that because I'm just being the punchline (or punching bag) of everyone's jokes. I hate it when people hate me for no reason or for a good reason. I don't like the fact that there are people in the world that hate me, but at the same time I know that there can't be a heaven without a hell.

It pisses me off because I'm really sensative and a lot of people just act without caring and they don't realize that other people are hurting because of them. People acting without regard for other people really piss me off. Apathy is the number one thing that I hate about some human nature. (Ignorance is the other)

I'm aggravated and I'm upset, and I don't like this feeling, even if it's over something that's not real. I don't like the pain other people cause me.

I'm not sure the direction that my life is taking right now, and I don't like the direction it is in now. I hate that I have all these expectations to grant, all these responsibilities in my hands. I hope to God that this is a test that I can withstand. Because I feel like I'm going to break apart right now.

I feel so depressed right now, I'm so surprised. I really am! I feel this pain and I've only felt a pain like this only once before, and that's when me and Luminouse broke up a year ago. I don't like this pain. This pain is fake. I don't have this pain, I don't, I really don't...

Big surprise last night, Luminouse called me, but i wasn't there to pick up my cell phone. I'm glad I wasn't because then I probably would have fallen into temptation. The only other reason I have to talk to him is for the money he owes me. It's wierd that each time I go on retreat, a little while after that he contacts me. I think it's truly the devil trying to bring me down.

I can really stand to be a better person than I am now. I don't know who I am and I've never not known who I was. I feel like I'm drowning, but at the same time the water is just high enough for me to gasp for air. It's not a fun feeling. I've got to do something with myself. I have to do something about this.

I need to go back on my meds, I know I do. I wouldn't be as bad as I am with my medication. I should really try to get back on them. I'll start tomorrow. Hopefully I'll stick with them this time. I hate the way I feel right now.

Aside from all this dramatic bullshit, I've immersed myself with church meetings but I'm even feeling useless there. Maybe I need a change of venue. Maybe that will help me out.

Hopefully with the grace of God, prayer, love, meds, and clear thinking, I can do something with myself.

http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258