I've decided that my heart is no longer mine. I gave it to Mike, the one I loved, the one who cared for it so sweetly. And the one who severed and scarred it like no one else had ever done to me. I've decided that he can have that heart, the one he loved so much. It was tattered and worn, stiched up and sewn again and again and has his name on it, although he did his best to scratch it out. I ment it when I gave it to him, it's his to have, the Mike that I used to love has my old heart and I'm never going to look back at it again.

Now I have no heart, you say? No, never, I'll always have a heart. So long as God puts life and breath inside of my body, I will have a heart to carry that breath inside of me. But now, it's a tiny little baby heart. It's free from the old constrains and sin and hurt that the old one had. Though there are reminders in the space the old one took up, this new heart has nothing of that. So I have this infant heart inside of me now, learning to beat again, learning to love again, wanting love to grow off of and wanting to feel loved for all times. So far, my new heart is good. It's growing, though it's being attacked by the old memories of those who defeated the old heart. But it's protected like never before and that's the most important thing. That it LEARNED from the past and looks forward to the future. And that one day, it will be bigger and stronger than the heart before it, able to withstand anything and anyone that comes about to play or nurture it. And I will have the knowledge of lessons learned inside of me always and it will continue to feed and protect my new little heart.

So whoever I decide to share my heart with, no matter how meek or intese, however amount of time passes by, they will see my new heart. And they will see the best of me. And they will love me and my new heart or they will try and toy with it, though it has better defenses now. But either way, they get the best of my new heart. Even if it's just a sliver, it will be the best of me. And maybe, come the day where I can bear myself to the bones to someone again, just strip down to the very core of who I am and pour myself out to them and show them every deep dark corner and ray of light inside of me, the heart will be what they look at in awe and want to cradle and kiss. And they will repsect it and never want to hurt it. And they will in turn respect and never want to hurt me. And they will love me, and I will give them my love with my little baby heart that will grow into a great beating testement to who I am.

This is a really big step for me. I have to metephorically exorsise everything and everyone out of me that has hurt me up until this point and start over new. I have a new year ahead of me and I'm dumping all the baggage and anger and frustration and disappointments and all the bad stuff out of me so I can start fresh and new and FINALLY move on and out from the shit from the past and be this new blank canvase on the face of the earth that has so much to offer and so much to give. I love you all, the ones who've kicked my ass into submission when I'm doing something stupid and the ones who've been there for me to bitch and rant and cry about the same things over and over again. I love you all and you're all feeding my heart. Those who've already tried to get me down and make me feel bad for who I am, fuck you and you're not getting anywhere near me anymore. I absolve you from what you've done from me, but you're no longer welcome in my heart, my head or my thoughts. You mean as much to me as a grain of sand and I will give you that much power over me.

Change is good. Change is fucking good.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
so everything that is connected and beautiful
and now I know just where I stand
Thank God it's over