So I had a good day at school. Yesterday I had two anxiety attacks in class. I thought I was going to pass out but thank God I didn't. My back has been causing me excrutiating pain lately. I'm still trying to cope with what the doctor told me. *sigh* He said that there's a 60/40 chance that they might have to operate and if it's as bad as he thinks it is, I might need a transplant. Bad for me because all my mom's relatives are diabetics/drug addicts/alcoholics and all my dad's relatives are diabetics/alcoholics/obese.

It's bad enough knowing that there's an 60/40 chance that you're going to die before you're 20, it's another, bigger thing to have no one to talk about it. I talked to Tonzy about it briefly. He said that he'd gladly give me one of his kidneys. *squee* I tried to talk to Vidal about it: big mistake. He ended up crying about it, then I started crying, then we were both crying. I tried to warn him that it was going to get worse from here and I gave him the opportunity to leave me. He told me that he would never leave me unless I left him first. I take comfort in that. He's not like the other guys. I'm so glad about that. He really does love me and I love him so much.

I tried to talk to my mom about it. I was pouring my heart out to her and crying and she said, very coldly and kind of angrily, "You know what? We're all going to die someday, Vicky. Just deal with it." That prompted me to write this letter to her (which I won't give to her ):

Mom, remeber that dress you wouldn't buy me? Come on, mom, you remember, the one at Fashion Fox, it's the white evening gown with an empire waistline with the off-the-shoulder straps and has a faux jewel on the bustline? It makes me look weird because it's white? It's that white dress, mom, in the window. Come on, you remember it. I couldn't buy it because I need a corset to wear it, remember? Mom, remember how sad I was when you wouldn't buy it for me? I wasn't being unreasonable, mom, I wasn't! I wanted that dress for something. Remember how you said that I would have no place to wear it? Remember? Mom, we talked about it for a long time about it, remember? You told me I had no place to wear it to and you thought I was going to use it as a Halloween costume but I promised you I wasn't going to, rmember? Mom, listen to me! Remember how I told you I wanted to it? THat I had someplace to wear it? Mom, remember? But I wouldn't tell you were to. I'll tell you, mom, why I wanted that dress mom, I'll tell you.

Mom, I wanted to die in that dress. I wanted to be burried in that dress. I wanted to make you happy and wear WHITE, damnit! Mom, I wanted to do it for you. But you couldn't see that, mom. But don't worry, mom, I still love you, mom, I love you mom. I love you.

I was really upset when I wrote it, so don't worry about it.

Tomorrow is prayer night. I need to pray. Not that I don't already. But I get to see my friends tomorrow. And on Thursday is me and Vidal's one month togetherness. I'm buying him a present tomorrow at the mall. *sshhhh, I'm buying him a Pink Floyd CD, Division Bell*

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ThErE iS tHiS nOiSe iN mY hEaD....ThErE iS tHiS nOiSe iN mY hEaD....