I feel really dizzy and stuff. Plus I'm broken-hearted. I've been feeling extreamly psychotic lately. I'm going to see my head-pokin' doctor. Maybe he can perscribe some more anti-psychotics. I've been extreamly anxious, emotional, self-hating, suicidal and I'm starting to hallucinate/have flashbacks about my past again. They consist of sounds comming from my computer speakers, visions of things that cannot be that only come to my sleep at night. I can't sleep without seeing these things. When I can sleep, my dreams are destroyed by the same repetative nonsense, gears and pulleys and industrial surroundings that produce the same movements and fear that I've had in me since I was a little girl. I can't controll them anymore. I feel like all of my problems are those super bouncy rubber balls bouncing around in a single room and if I keep moving around, each of them will hit me, but only a little at a time. If I keep still, they're all bombard me at the same time. I'm at a loss of what to do except rant and cry with the music turned up so that no one can hear me. Main problems are with the emotional grief that I've been deeling with for the past few weeks; Ashwar. He's still gone and I'm still, in a sense, waiting for him. I'm still in mourning and I'm barely starting to get over it. I feel terrible about what I've done to a not-so-close friend, but still feel terrible. I'm angry at someone who was supposed to be my friend, but took advantage of me. I need to get in touch with an ex and tell him something important. Another ex of mine won't let me go, even though he knows the ramifacations than can ensue. I've may have been lied to by a stranger and gotten another person involved. I don't have a job and I desperatly need one. The parents should be divorced but they can't afford it. My brother continues to be perpetually high and manic. I can't completely and utterly confide in anyone without hurting someone else. I'm walking on eggshells and landmines and I'm just waiting for someone or something to push me over the edge so that I can finally have some quite in the chaos that's surrounding me. I want an angel to come rescue me because so far all the princes are frogs, all the right ones are wrong and all my hope has left and fear has moved in and I fear there is no way to win. And I know in me that the only thing that will set me free is the knife in my hand and then I'll be glad. And maybe I'll sleep the great big sleep and have nothing more to give and take and I'll never have to suffer awake. Let me go! Please, let me go! I want to sleep....I want to breathe...I want to wake up without feeling horrifying, life-crippling guilt. TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* When you want it, it goes away too fast Times you hate it, always seem to last Just remember, when you think you're free.... ...the crack inside your fucking heart is me