Saturday:
I went to church to go to confession only to get there one person short of being heard. I went to church and did not accept the Eucharist. The father talked about our duties for Ash Wednesday and Lent. I'm up for what I'm going to do and looking so very much forward to this season. I took a walk to kill time for the evening confessions and thought about a lot of things, mainly friendships that have gone awry and allowing myself to let it go if it needed to be let go. And how me going to confession was pretty scary but good for me. I came back and sat down and looked at my examination of conscience. I had a lot to confess.

I told the father it'd been more than 2 years since my last confession because I let time pass and I was afraid to come. He said "Why? I won't bite you!" It was a relief to hear something like that. The priest told me to put down my paper and he'd ask questions and I'd answer them. I won't get into the nitty-gritty but basically he told me that I was killing myself with my bad behavior and that God sees worth in me and not to loose sight of that. That was good to hear. I know I'm going to change and that it's super scary but it's something I have to do to get my life back on track because I've been settled in complacency for far too long.

For the first time in a long time, I felt very relaxed, close to God and like a lot of weight had been lifted off of me.

Sunday:
I woke up early to go to church this morning to receive the Eucharist, the first time in almost 2 years. I ran into dad, we talked about Lent and how there's a marriage encounter coming up. I want the best for them. Mom was sick and had been sleeping for a day and a half, she couldn't come with me to church. :(

The sermon was about forgiveness. Instead of crossing my arms in front of the priest, I accepted the host nervously and prayed my closest prayers yet. I decided for lent I'm going to go at least one daily mass a week, pray a rosary once a week (anyone want to join me, please do!), going to confession once a week, give up drinking (I'm on the fence about smoking grrr), and fast by not eating from 8pm-8am no matter what.(unless my health is an issue).

Coming home, I changed and went to visit Saul. I brought up the subject of chastity and he admittedly wasn't happy about the idea but he said it's something he'll have to get used to. I was afraid of changing because of a lot of different reasons, mainly selfish ones because I was settled in my sin and scared to come out. But also because of those who know me will have to know me again like this, how I'm changing. And I don't want to loose Saul at all because he doesn't like how I've changed though I know that's not a huge issue and he wouldn't be a callous cad who left me because I wanted to be chaste. But it's still scary because I want this to be real, I want this to be it and the prospect of it falling apart for whatever reason frightens me but I know is a possibility. Not for any particular reason but just as a possibility.

Lots of tears were shed as usual. Saul was very sick, coughing and breaking out in a sweat. *sigh* His next court day is this Wednesday, Ash Wednesday. I'm going to finally leave the prayer candle there for him that day. I don't know what to think of anything anymore of it, just that things will happen as they do, they will be dealt with as they happen. I feel like Saul really resents me right now. We weren't really connecting when I saw him, nor when he called me later in the evening. I can blame it on his sickness or my emotional state for now.

Kevin called me on the way to the mall, it was really good to hear from him as I thought he was mad at me. He's alright. I went to the Ontario Mills and bought some Van's all black slip-ons from Journey's. I wanted some pinstripe ones but they didn't have any. I'm going to see if my Journey's has any. The important thing is I have some shoes now give or take wearing them a day or two. (I still need to weather-proof them and buy insoles)

I'm very much enjoying the new music I put on my MP3 player. I'm kind of weird right now. I'm kind of lost right now but I'm sure this is all in my head as it usually is. Over-thinking is one of my many vices though I've realized my perfection obsession. I plan to try to rid myself of that.

I'm changing and I'm working without a guard rail right now. I'll keep posting online but I may not be online as often as the internet depresses me lately. Vlogs to come I'm very very sure. Plus I want to take this time to try to figure out when school starts, what bills to pay, and how to make my new cosplays. Hope for the best, expect the worst. If you need me, want to hang out, or want to invite me to go someplace, feel free to e-mail me or contact me through AIM as any offline message gets forwarded to my cell phone. See you around.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down