I'm quite meloncholy right now, not the kind that I usually am. I'm the quiet kind. There are a lot of versions of depression, but three major groups: the kind that piss and moan about it to get attention, the kind that talk about it in all seriousness to get it out and feel better, and then there are suffering in silence because they feel hopeless. I feel hopeless right now. I feel trapped. I feel unusual. Usually I have a safe spot inside myself where I can go to to feel alright and know that everything's fine and there really is nothing wrong but I can't find it right now. I've tried to fill the void by taking my mind off things, I went shopping with Amelindy, but something wasn't right inside of me and I felt that. I felt physically ill. When I passed by the high school, I saw the kids practicing with their instruments and I wanted to see them, but I couldn't. I have to let go of things I can't change or things I want to change, though it maybe impossible.

I feel like I need someone right now. I need someone to watch me tonight to make sure I don't dissipate into nothingness. To coax me into the right frame of mind and tell me everything's alright and it'll all work out. I need someone to be my angel tonight. But I know the one person who'd do it would only betray me in the end. I know he'll only do it for personal gain. He'll do it, though. He'll take care of me and make sure I'm alright, but the debt in the end is too much for me to bear right now. I want to be OK with just me, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted inside, so bursting at the seams to do something, to be someone, to take charge of my life and accomplish something, but I feel so limited, so held back by my own doing that I feel like I can't do anything. I want to sleep to forget, I want to dream to make it better, I want to imagine that I have someone holding my hand and holding me throughout the night to make sure that I'm alright. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I want to scream and cry and sleep all at once and let someone see me weak, see me vulnerable and at my absolute worst and still say, "It's OK, I love you still, you're just as beautiful as you are when you're strong" That would be heaven, that would be love and that would be perfection. But I don't have that right now. Maybe I don't need it as much as I think I do right now and am wrapped up in a moment of weakness that I can be sure to get out of on my own. I'm sure I'll get by tonight and be safe. But there's always that uncertainty that scares the hell out of me...that shakes me to my core...that makes me weak...

Someone, be my angel tonight
Someone, tell me I'm alright
Someone, take me into flight,
away from this night and renew my sight
Someone, make me whole again
Someone, be my gaurdian
Someone, hold me till the end,
being there as my Godsend
Someone, grab me at my soul
Someone, please take me whole
Someone, make it your goal
to make me be your beautiful