This is as real as it gets, people...

Thought I'd post this up because I'm tired of trying to make the bad things better than they really are. I'm tired of photoshopping everything to holy hell. I'm tired of sugar-coating what horrible truth there is out there. I don't want to white-wash the way I feel anymore.

Have you ever been with someone you loved so much that you'd do anything to keep them? I am in this boat right now. I love Mike so much I'd do anything for me. I changed everything bad about myself so I could be with him. I even changed the things he didn't like about me so I could be with him. (Going out, talking to certain friends in front of him, staying certain places out late, avoiding things that I love to make him happy, keeping my cell phone within arms length just in case, etc.) I've even dressed up for him a lot, even though most days I'd much rather have faced him in plain face wearing nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. No, I have been putting on 20 pounds of goth make-up, doing my hair and dressing up to the hilt in my lovely goth garb so I could see the look on his face when I walk up to him at work. Because I know if I go up to him in regular clothes, his reaction will be subdued. I am thinking, "Is this what it's come to?"

Mike's been bringing up little by little how much we're different. (such as our tastes in music, outing habits, ideals of the world and such) He does this a lot and I always saw it as a good thing because it would be boring if we were both the same. But lately, he's brought it up as a bad thing. As something that's tearing us apart. Something that will break us apart if gone on too long.

I know for a fact that he's not been himself. He's been watching what he says around me because certain things he says to me piss me off. ANd he's been making sure that he doesn't interrupt me when I speak. (He has a bad habbit of interrupting me when I speak; I think it's utterly rude) But lately when we interrupt eachother in a conversation, he gets sad right away and says he's "Messed Up Again". It depresses me that it's gotten to this point. That maybe I've ruined him, the good time he thought we were having when all the while I was warping him into acting how I wanted him to even though it's not who he is and visca versca.

It's been bad. Ever since I told him,

"I feel us drifting apart"

He told me this was a mind-fuck because he thought everything was fine, but then little by little, the past two weeks or less maybe, everything's been comming out. All the things we've sacrificed. All the times we've silently suffered for eachother. All the different ways we're not being true to ourselves. I don't see how he hasn't seen this. Probably blinded by his love for me. I've seen it plain as day. I actually don't know how he hasn't broken up with me with all this going on. We've been fighting and picking at eachother. We've come home to relax and enjoy eachother only to be stuck on the topic on hand and end up crying or having anxiety attacks. I havn't had a full-blown seriously horrible anxiety attack since the 6th grade. (12th I count that meltdown I had when Henry cheated on me, but that wasn't worth the energy I exhausted so I don't) We're comming apart, we're not happy, we're not true to ourselves.

I think I should set him free.

But how could I?

He's my one true love. He's my first true love. I don't want anyone else. I truely don't. I don't want to have anything like this with anyone else. I don't want to share my feelings, my thoughts, my bed, my world, my life with anyone other than him. He's my one and only. I don't want to walk down the aisle with anyone else waiting for me on the other side.

Still, I think I should set him free.

He's a good guy. He will be a good boyfriend to anyone he chooses. Maybe he needs to be set free. To find someone better for him. To find a girl he has more in common with. Someone who is like me, but will never be me, but in a lot of ways is so much better. A girl who will compliment him better than I could ever hope to, even when I surrender everything of who I am to do so. A girl who he will love more than he could love me, with all my faults and flaws. Someone who isn't so unstable or weird. Someone who does't have such bad taste in music or "weird" friends.

A girl who he will love with his whole heart no matter what because I know I am not that girl anymore.

I know I'm not.

How could I be?

As for myself, I can assure you and promise you, and I will say promise because I know this is true in my heart,

I can't be selfish with this anymore. I can't let him sacrifice who he is anymore to make me happy. I've held on to him long enough. He doesn't even love me the same anymore. I can feel it. I know he loves me, but I know he's so unhappy. Mike doesn't want me to set him free, but I can't keep him if he's not mine anymore. He doesn't see it this way, he doesn't want to loose me, he doesn't want to part from me ever, but I don't know if I can continue to be selfish and keep him with me.

God, what do I do? What could I do??

I hate crying when I'm typing. By the time I'm done writing what I have to say, my face is a watery mess and I further erase the home keys on my keyboard.

What in God's name should I possibly do at this point?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

When the routine bites hard
and ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways,
taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart
again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through
our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just can't function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart
again