Today had to be one of the most rewarding visits with Saul I've had in a long while, probably because things are coming close to resolve and that make us both very happy.

I had better sleep than the last three nights but not enough to cover four. Nonetheless, I got dressed up sorta nice but not extravagant. I wanted to look pretty for him. Driving up there was fine, listened to my MP3 player the whole way there. I notice if it's on random and you don't skip the song, it'll just play the whole album of whatever song you're listening to. Weird.

When I got there, I felt really weird. I felt sick inside, and while I was driving up there I thought I was going to pass out on the 15 freeway on ramp. Methinks it's my depression, definitely my depression getting worse. I can feel it physically starting to make me ill. I felt hopeless and pessimistic with no explanation. I reclined in the car with the window open letting the cool air in, whatching the bugs on my windshield crawl around.

After waiting outside and inside for the guys to come in, my babe came out and he looked happy. He said he wasn't expecting a visitor today and I explained that I wanted to see him before his court day. He said I looked pretty, that he liked my hair, that he liked how I looked. He showed me his arms....prrrr....he's got some guns! *^.^* I was like meow! We talked and we were more alive this time to talk, I was so blessed to see him. I was so happy to look at him, in his eyes, hearing him talk about good things and plans and such. I loved every minute I talked with him and got to look at him.

I told him a worry I've had for a while; that I won't know how to act or react to and with him after he's out. I told him I didn't want to get in the way of anything he felt he needed to do, inside and outside of himself. My voice started cracking when I told him that. He put his hand to the glass and said, "No, don't worry, babe" and somehow that made everything better. He never fails to make me feel better and I'm really glad he accepts my worries and doesn't just dismiss them as something stupid. I've had problems before having people I'm with being unsympathetic or just plain refusing to acknowledge that I was bringing up a problem so I was scared to tell Saul things at first. But every time I've told him something or have brought a concern to him, he's always asked me why, let me talk to him about everything I felt, ask me questions if he didn't understand and tell me what he thought about it. I am utterly, extremely blessed that he doesn't brush anything I bring up to him off.

When he had to go, he does what he always does and looks back before he goes into the door. I was really glad to walk away knowing that we were both happy and hopeful and loved each other. Driving to and from jail is usually a white-knuckle job but today driving home, I had The Deftones (White Pony) on really loud and it was one of the most relaxing drives home I'd ever had from that place. I was thrilled. :)

Now...I'm irritable and kinda spacey cos I'm uber hungry and I really really REALLY want to eat some grilled fish!!! I have to wait another two hours but I ate a little something to hold me over. Tomorrow is Saul's court day, as is the 14th. Mine is on the 16th and I told Saul if he can come with me then, he will.

I'm pretty tired. *zzZzzZzz* I want my food, drugs and sleep! Tomorrow's another wonderful day.

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you know how I am...you know how you are...