I feel here I can divulge a little bit more of went on with my date. Not that I wouldn't want to share with everyone, but it's a little perplexing right now how I feel. Jared's a great lad, truly interesting. After we left the Thai resteraunt, we parked in the old Tower Records parking lot and talked. After a while he leaned on me and cuddled up next to me. We talked about everything; religion, nicknames, stupid drunken mishaps, friends, family, previous people we've dated, concerts, weight loss (he's lost a LOT of weight), aspirations, work. He tripped out when I told him my taste of men (nerdy big guys) and said, "Those nerds must be fighting hand over hand for you, not a lot of girls like those kinds of guys!" There were some moments where we didn't say anything and that was okay. He liked feeling my hair, he really likes my hair and I touched his hair, it's so long and pretty.

After a while I cuddled next to him and he wrapped his arm around me. We continued to talk and not talk. His hands were cold so I held his free hand in mine. He kissed my head and smiled at me. Then during one of the silences, he tilted my head up and he kissed me. After we were done kissing a little bit he said, "Even though I've been doing this since I was 14, my heart still beats fast after I kiss a pretty girl." and I couldn't help but smile. I pressed my head against his chest and I could hear his heart beating so fast. We kissed a few more times and after a while he hugged me and said, "Those nerds are going to have a hard time getting you back. I'm going to take you away from them." It was one of the sweetest things said. I told Jared I needed to go home around 2:30am, for no reason other than the fact that I knew he had work at 6am. He admitted to me that if he didn't stop kissing me then it might escalate farther and it would be too soon for that. Such a gentleman. :)

While I was out with him, while I was talking and getting to know him, I kept thinking about everything. I wasn't distracted, I like him and I'm starting to see the kind of person he is. He's very sweet and well spoken, educated and motivated, musical and interesting. It's strange that this has happened so close on the heels of me and Kevin. It's like I needed a reminder that there would be others but none like Kevin. I still think about him sometimes, and I wish we had gotten together and been boyfriend and girlfriend. He ment a lot to me, he still does. I want him to be happy beyond anything I want, he was very patient with me and Kevin told me that I helped him to be stronger and he doesn't regret being with me (which I'm greatful for) and the time we had. I don't either, I just wanted more time but I've made peace with the fact that it won't and I feel honoured that he still cares about me. This is a good thing that he has moved on and gotten a girlfriend, he has a lot of love to give and I know that she's going to be happy with him and if she isn't, she's a fool. I wish Kevin and I could talk on the phone or hang out because I respect him and we're adults for goodness sake that can hang out and be cool with one another but the time will come where that'll either happen or not. I just don't want to be like I was before; obsessive and immature about these kinds of things. I know that's why Mike stopped talking to me when we first broke up and I hold Kevin's friendship in a closer realm. If Kevin ever left my life, I don't know what I'd do because I care about him so much and I can put aside what I want for the benifit of a friend who has different goals that make them happy. I'm not usually this well-thought out but I know this is the right thing to do. I hope he knows I still care because he told me he'd never stop caring. I know I won't either, he left a mark on my heart.

Also, when Tak came to pick up his things, he hugged me out of nowhere and held me for a little bit and told me that he'll come down to see me and I asked him, "Really?" and he said, "I'd like to" and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I kissed his cheek too and we hugged and kissed on the cheek a few more times before he left. It felt good to be in his embrace again. Before he left, we kissed on the lips and he left. I still like him. I've always known this and I know he still likes me but we made a decision to not talk about a relationship and we stay friends, which is easy because we're so very close and we can both back off eachother and we know we care very deeply for one another. He didn't know I had a date until last night when he came. He texted me during my date to see how it was going and asked when the wedding was. I know he's feeling out to see how I feel about this guy. I played down our date but let him know that I was going out with him again. I don't want to hurt Tak because I love him very much, he's the other half of my soul, and I know he knows that I'll always want him around no matter who I'm with because our relationship transcends almost any friendship I have with anyone. He's in my life forever and ever, there's no question about his place in me. It's scary that I could probably get into another relationship now, whenever I see Tak, I can't help but want to be loving and affectionate to him. He still makes me feel a little girly and hyper when I see him. And it seems no matter what happens, he's always there for me no matter what, he always puts things in perspective for me and tells me how it is no matter what. I know he'd be happy for me being with someone but would feel a bit sad too because that's exactly how I'd feel.

This is all really a lot to take in right now. I know the decision is all mine. I just don't want to hurt anyone at all. Hopefully Jared understands that. I know he really likes me. I'm liking him. It's pretty crazy to me that this wonderful stranger wanted to get to know me and that we both found something special in eachother. I can't ignore that. *sigh* Life truly is beautiful and wonderful. <3

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me,
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...