If you don't see me out for a while, if I'm not around, if I seem detatched at work or non-responsive to your calls or messages, know this:

I am not who I am or who you think right now
I'm not anyone or anything good or useful
I'm not anyone that can help or be helped
I cannot tell you why but this is how I feel
and I refuse to talk to any one person about it
because it is NOT their place to make me feel better
or important, or special or anything of that nature
I will NOT bother anyone with this particularly
I do not want to talk about this right now

You have what you have seen in my blog,
I feel like a twit for feeling the way I do
I feel disgusted with myself that I feel this way and I am in no way proud of myself for how I'm feeling or dealing with this
I just want be with my thoughts and prayers
and let me and God decide what to do now
I do appreciate you being around and wanting to help if you do
but it's better if you don't; call if you want to, come by if you'd like but
know I might not be there,all there, in one way or another.

I don't know what I"m doing right now. At all, in anything anymore.
I don't know what's happening inside of me right now.
All I want to do is crawl away and dissappear.
When I was 17 or so, I carved the words
"I want to disappear" on my upper left thigh
crudely and quickly one day and it stung to walk and it was a reminder of
what overwhelming emptiness I had inside of me

Had I not made a promise, those wounds would be reopened today
I don't love myself right now
I don't hold myself to any standard
or see any good inside of me
I don't see any good I could do for anyone
or want anything good for myself

I'm taking care of myself only because I know that God and my parents would want me to and I don't want to be a total failure right now
because I feel like I don't know what I've been living for
now that everything's gone from me and I have nothing inside me right now
whatever this is, whatever this feeling is, I want it away
but I'm consumed in this depression that I am in right now
and I'm pulling it over me like a warm blanket
it feels GOOD to know that I know what this is now!!!!
this depression I've been struggling with for the past few weeks

It's FINALLY out! I feel like I can wear it like a smile and show the world!
I...am...depressed!!! and this is ME!!! this is how I FEEL!!!! and I'm not ashamed for feeling this way, just sorry that everyone around me has to deal with me being this way! I'm SORRY!!! I really am.

I feel the kind of calm and relief that only someone who knows what they finally have to do in their life feels. I feel so peaceful, so happy, so calm. But when I think about it, that thought is only because I know if I wern't around people wouldn't be suffering around me because of me. I don't think I'm anything good right now. I would like to do nothing better than to disapear and go away from anyone and everyone I've hurt and am hurting. I truly wish and want that. If I could I would. If I could I would...

I'm sorry

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

this isn't me, this isn't the me you claim me to be