Yesterday I went to visit Saul and I really wanted to talk to him and see him because I missed him so much, I haven't been able to talk to him because I have absolutely no more money to do it. I barely scrounged up enough to make the car ride there. It took us over an hour for everyone to be able to talk to their loved ones, it was frustrating.

Right away when he came out he said he was in a good mood because his lawyer seems more aggressive and on top of things than his old lawyer. I told him some things about how life was going with me. He gave me this look that made me feel so fucking insignificant and small and I know I deserved it because I failed. He said he still loves me. How many times can a man love someone who fails him so many times? I haven't been able to talk to him again and I won't be able to see him until Sunday but I'm freaking out as I usually do when there are so many days without contact. Whatever lies in front of me I accept wholly without fear, knowing I did things differently and knowing I don't have anything to hide.

I wish I wasn't such a fuck-up.

But he did give me his smile, a genuine smile, and told me he loved me over and over. And he looked back as he usually does before he disappears behind the door he comes in through. That should be my answer there but I over think things, as well I should I think. That way in case the worst happens I'm prepared, if there's nothing to worry about then I'm alright. Saul doesn't love me or interact with me like anyone else I've ever had interaction with. It's like he gets me and knows how to talk to me, directly into me, to calm me and make me understand things. It's so weird.

I've been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately. I usually don't like them but now I do. O.O

Today was great. I woke up with enough sleep, kinda tired still but alright. I went with Kevin Le Tigre to pick up his check at Walmart, I ran into Shari and she said I looked good with all the weight I lost. :) We went to Chili's, had SOUP! (I dig soup on cold days) and lots of good food that we couldn't eat. Usually I steal the little sauce bowls but they picked up our plates before I could do it. Yeah, I'm ghetto. :p They gave me free fries and onion straws though cos they messed up. I asked for mashed potatoes. After we went to his place, he played WoW and I went home. It was a good outing and he loaned me $20 which I'm totally grateful for. I'm going to use it toward gas. :)

At home, I made stir fry and mom had to take Jer to the doctors. We talked for a little bit. Lately Mom's been getting on my nerves because she complains about really trivial things but today was alright. Sometimes mom gets like that, nit-picky and grr about small things but I go with a flow because no one else listens to her and sometimes people just want people to listen to them. Dad says he's tired of the cat being all...urm..."feisty". Poor thing wants some kitty luv. oi.

It's raining! I'm very glad for that, we need the rain. I'm a little :s right now because I'm not sure if this means it's snowing where Saul is cos then I can't go see him and I really need to see him. He has premilms starting up again on the 10th. He sent me a letter but it got sent back because he wrote my address wrong. :p Lent is coming up, I dearly need to go to confession. Dearly. I'm scared but prepared. Not sure what I'll do for lent this year but I'll make it something good. I'm looking ever so much to Easter, I can't explain why.

I'm calmer than I was earlier but we'll see how long that lasts. I hope my unemployment check comes in soon. I really need that money. I really really do. :s >.< grrrrrrrrr

Here's to kicking fear. *cheers*
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Small, tasteless, and forgot
Hoping to see, blinded like me
You tried to understand, but you're just a man
Open to scorn just like me