These past few days consisted of going out a lot which is a blessing. Thank you to everyone who's been in contact with me recently, you have no idea how much it means to me. And the ability to download music again has vastly improved my mood, you have no idea! I'm so happy I can do this again!

Thursday I visited Vidal at his new apartment and talked for a long while, watched stuff on the internet and tried out the new Big Carl at Carl's Jr. Friday I went with Mr. Nick Randall and his friends to see Labyrinth at the same theatre they show Repo! at, his friends are very cool! I'd never seen the movie before so it was a blast seeing it for the first time in the theatre! That theatre is going to have a Jim Henson marathon for a few weeks. I would have hung out longer but I had a yard sale to do the next day. I had a long time to drive back and every time I drive back from LA, my thoughts race and I start getting really emotional and cry and think horrible thoughts. They stopped by the time I got home but I felt horrible.

Saturday I woke up bright and early to set up the yard sale. To my very big surprise, Albard greeted me at the door! He hung out with me and helped me set up and tear down the yard sale, I was really happy about that! And I got a call from my Sauli saying that he DOESN'T have any holds in other counties!!! <3 I miss him so so very much. Albard and I then went to get my mail and then go to the mall to Best Buy. I got the Jim Henson 3 pack (Labyrinth, Dark Crystal & Mirror Mask) and we then looked at the cameras and the laptops. After I dropped him off, I went to Le Tigre's and we watched Dexter. That's our thing now, we're on Season 2 now, almost caught up! We're totally hooked! After I got home, I was completely immersed in my depression, something flipped a major switch in me and I just couldn't control my thoughts or my tears. I just hated everything, especially how this world is, what's expected of this world, it was extremely horrible. And who should call me that night but Mike who I haven't heard from in a while. He came by and somehow lightened my mood. He gave me some advice but mostly distracted me and I was grateful for that.

Sunday I went to church and then dropped off a present for Fina's daughter and I was going to go home and pack because my parents and I (with my grandma) were going to my grandmother's house near the river in Bullhead, Arizona. I was very excited for this but at the last minute plans got canceled. I was very disappointed by this as I was very set on getting out of the area for a while but I took it in stride. I ended up going to Le Tigre's house for more Dexter, then hung out with Matty. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean, the first time I saw it all the way through! When I got home I discovered that Jer had brought home a rescue cat for me to take care of! He named him One Piece cos he's only got one good eye, the other eye is cloudy. He's so skinny but he's adorable and just what I need to put all my affection and care into.

Yesterday I hung out with the parents. We were going to go to the LA County Fair but we got stuck in traffic so we missed the $1 admission price. We then turned around and ran some errands instead, and I was in the bitchiest mood ever. When I got home, I was so exhausted and emotional, I fell asleep for a little while. I woke up when Tako called me and we had a chat, I'd been trying to get a hold of him so I could give him his birthday present. We made plans to hang out later. When I got there, we talked and I drank a little bit, he drank...more hehe. Every time we talk it's a revelation of self exploration and advice we can give each other but never follow ourselves. I wish I could help him more than this but I can't right now but given the chance I would. I stood til late sharing different links on the internet and playing on his keyboard. It was a lovely night.

When I came home, I had to take my medication. I'm up to 200mg of Lamictal (mood stabilizer/anti-depressant)and I think I may be able to handle a full tablet of Seraquel now, not sure though. I'll try next week, I have one more week until I take labs to make sure these medicines aren't damaging anything. Week after that I have an appointment with my meds doctor and my therapist to talk about my depression and such. I actually feel much more worse since being on the pills than before without them. I've been out of my ever-loving mind these past three weeks, I've been a train wreck, so full of emotions, racing thoughts, thoughts that dip into the unthinkable and the unforgivable. I tried so hard to fight these things on my own only to seek help that made it worst. I've been so moody and intolerable, looking on the bright side has been difficult to say the least but I'm trying very hard.

Today was a bit better, though I'm still very irritable. I got paid my last wedo feliz (unemployment check) but am going to apply again since none of the jobs I've applied to have panned out. I've been searching everywhere, gone on a few interviews but nothing yet. I hung out with Le Tigre after cashing my check and then dropped Vidal off at a friend's house. When I came home my brother was throwing a pool party with a bunch of his guy and girl friends, most of the underage, drinking and getting tattoos! I called my dad, he came home right away and everyone left but left a huge mess. Dad and mom then got in a fight, it was just terrible. Mom hung out with me in my room and asked me how it feels to have a knife slice across my wrists...I told her if I couldn't do this that she shouldn't be thinking about it either, but she said that my father's being a complete asshole to her and I guess she wants to make him pay. I'm not going to deny how right this diluted way of thinking seems when you're utterly depressed but it's so damn frightening to hear this, it's so wrong. She's just as depressed as I am, if not worse because she's the sole provider at this point for our family. I used to hold down my end by paying some bills but now that my pending checks are in the air, it makes the situation worse. I don't know how I can help her when I'm going through the same kind of things. It's hard to try to help my mom when I'm having such a hard time helping myself. And for the record, my dad is being a complete and utter asshole to my mother cos he's keeping letters from her side of the family away from her and not telling mom when my grandmother calls for her. We found out later that my grandmother had to take the buses to her different appointments because my dad wasn't giving my mom the messages. I don't know why my dad's doing this but he is totally out of line.

I'm very grateful for the time I've been spending outside of the house with friends and with my family. I do NOT know how I'm going to take care of my mother, I'm going to check on her a lot tonight to say the least. I'm scared for what might happen to her, more scared than what's going on in my head. I feel defenseless. All I can do is be here for my mom and pray as I have been for myself and this family. If anyone has any advice for me, please share. Whatever happens in the future, I hope I'm better prepared for it and that I can stand to endure everything. And that I can help people better.

School starts tomorrow. I'm very glad for this. Just a few more months and I can get my job as a medical assistant and work my way up to being an registered nurse. This is my foot in the door, I plan to be done by March sometime. Saul has 10 more months to go until he comes home. My brother has one more week or so to get out of the house. And once I get a job again I can start to save up money for a new car and for my future home. I have a lot of plans and I don't want them interrupted by my condition, it isn't right that this always has a grip on me and I have to find my way out of it from square one when I'm in the thick of it. I'm sick of living this way, this is why I got help in the first place. Hopefully, given more time, I can get out of this and continue to help people better.