ShoOt MySeLf tO LoVe YoU

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LIVEJOURNAL

2009-04-16 - 1:52 p.m.

As some of you well know I've been dealing with a really bad bought of depression. Tuesday night was maybe the worst night of this episode. The day was fine, I went with my parents to my mother's follow-up appointments and sonograms because there was an abnormality with her mammogram. She wanted to know the details then and there but it'll take a week to get the results. We went to a doughnut shop, and the thrift store, I got a really nice ring and a dress that makes me look like I'm a housewife who drinks in secret. :p In the evening, I went with Squee to see I Love You Man, I had no good expectations but it was funny! I had a good time talking with Squee. Tonzy and I talked on the phone, we made plans for lunch of Friday. On the way home, it started again. I was terribly emotional, I was crying, I was upset and couldn't stop thinking. I was so frustrated and upset, I came home and started typing and typing and typing about the specific nature of what was wrong because my hands couldn't write fast enough. I calmed down quite a bit after Mike called me and we talked. Lately, he's been a good friend. I'm still wary of him, but things have been good.

Yesterday, Mike and I went to Walmart early in the morning to get packaging supplies to ship some monitors we sold on E-Bay. Then breaky at iHop, then FedEx to ship them. We had a good morning talking and joking around, he's a big goof. After I got home and got ready to see Saul, I arrived at the jail and visited my love. I was so very very upset still, and I cried and was emotion in front of Saul. I feel so bad for showing this side of me in front of him because I don't want him to think I'm weak or will walk away from him. I don't want him to feel like he has to worry about that even when I'm am weak. Saul told me whatever I need to talk about, I can talk with him about it and that we're one, we're together. I'm still not used to that, that I can talk to him about everything, I'm so used to shutting up about certain things that I'm scared will get people mad. I need to stop that because it's unfair to Saul for me to be private about things that are troubling me so much because he wants to help me. I'm just scared he'll leave because I'm like this right now, but I think he understands I'm in pain because he's away from me and that I wouldn't be like this if he were here. I'd still be depressed about the current woe but Saul would be there with me to help me. I feel so bad that I made him worry and made him look so sad. He said he loved me, that I looked pretty, and to keep looking for new baby names cos maybe we'll get started on that next year. ^.^

I drove home completely in anguish, I had too many thoughts and sickness in my soul. I needed to get rid of this, so I went to the only place I knew that would bring me peace. I went to church. I sat for a while and remembered that confession should be around the time I was there. So I waited and went to confession. I felt so good after that. I told the priest I'd been depressed, and he suggested I keep busy. I took that to heart.

I was going to stay home and have dinner with my family cos I thought MPsy would be done doing the thrift store thing. But he said he was still out so I changed into warmer clothes and headed out. Usually I flake out on stuff like this but I decided to take the initiative to keep busy and go out on an adventure. Juan, MPsy and I then had a magical adventure going to Old Town Glendora, looking for a certain antique area, running into a farmer's market, finding Sasha, finding the area we were looking for, finding it CLOSED!, taking pictures at a pretty picturesque park, giving Yuichi directions to Frank and Sons, then going to Frank and Sons! I got two really great graphic novels 50% off: Strange Girl Girl Afraid #1 and Fallen Angels #1. I also completed the The Cat stuffed little kittahs for my collection on my dash board! And I got a Jhonen Vasquez publication I'd not heard of yet: Jelly Fist. I had to get it! We all met up at Diamon Plaza after that. It was a good group of us: MPsy, Juan, Eddie, Eddie's friends Oli and Michelle and her boyfriend, Adrian, Yuichi, Isaiah, Kono, and Mayra. I got a really need writing pad from one of the shops and followed around people to the tea shop. We then made our way to Jurassic (a cave-shaped Chinese restaurant with a dinosaur theme where the gals dress live cave women :p) with Mr. Nick R. joining us who I met long time ago at a party. He is just a delight, I really enjoyed seeing him and talking with him! We all had a great meal, yummy passion fruit tea drinks, funny conversation and made plans to go to a few outings and meets, including the Renaissance fair this Saturday!!! I AM SO EXCITED! =D =D =D

It did me SOOOOO much good to stay out so late and so long last night. It made me realize that yeah, the woe is there but what can I do about it? I thought my drilling it into my heart I can become stronger and get over it but I was really hurting myself a lot more than I was helping. I don't know where that went wrong but I need to rethink my coping methods. Seriously. I had such a great time with my friends, I cannot stress this enough. I am so glad that I got to hang out with friends, such a great time, I cannot stress that enough. Awesome. Time. :)

Today I'm going to pick up a package for Tako and drop it off. I'm hoping he'll come with me to have dinner with Cyrene, Megan and Keil. We were going to go to Little Tokyo, things changed, we can go another time, I'm interested in trying this new restaurant. :)I'm very optimistic today. Last night I didn't go to sleep crying or in turmoil like I have since the weekend. I was peaceful. I felt very happy. Except I was bothered about how I spoke to Saul. I called his mother today and asked her to tell Saul to call me today. I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I love that man so much, and I want to show him that I do want to share everything with him and I want to learn to tell him things when he says he can. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I'm so used to censoring myself. I have GOT to stop doing that. Oi.

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