Everything about today was a struggle. Sleeping, getting to work, working, everything. You know why? It's the 13th. And it would have been 11 months. One more and it would have been the time for Mike to ask my parent's permission to marry me. This ran through my head all day long along with how many stupid things he's done since we've been broken up and how I don't think we would have been happy still in a relationship where we had to stiffle some parts of who we were, but at the same time, at this moment, the sacrifices compared to what I feel right now would have been totally worth it.

My regrets in this relationship are that we moved too damn fast, blinded by love. That I totally fucked him over in the worst possible ways. That I hurt him so much in such a short time. That he told me he was strong and could take everything that I had.

That he told me FOREVER.
FORVER means, no matter what.
Forever means no matter how bad things get
Forever means through all the shit and strife
Through all the sacrifices that we both made

And yes, he made the most sacrifices, but I had to completely change my personality and lifestyle for him and I had to do it with his help which made him more drained and leave me all the more.

I'm pissed that he told me forever. I'm pissed that I have his ring still on my finger and now I count it as a birthday present, not a pre-engagement ring. I'm frustrated over my feelings for him. m frustrated over my feelings for him. I couldn't sleep last night because he haunted my dreams.

I've asked God to take away our pain and give us time to heal. Hopefully the time passes by so quickly I won't even know.

Other than that, when I talked to Mike on the phone today, it was an OK conversation. I didn't really want to see him, I didn't know if I could without breaking down. They put me on a register at work that didn't face the entrance that he usually comes in from so I thought, "OK, this is good. He'll come in and it'll be OK, he'll clock in and I won't see him."

He found me. He took the time to find me. And we chatted for a few. I told him, "Have a good day," and he said, "Have a good day, too." Last night, he called me sweetie on the phone.

I'm killing all hope inside of me because I need to. That way if he ever does want me back we can start brand new and with no feelings of resentment. Maybe we'll be ready for eachother then, maybe we just need time to heal our wounds and see eachother for who we are. But a bigger part of me knows better. So I have to face that darkness head-on for me to move on.

Jesus, carry me, I can't walk right now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been my King of Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?