Yesterday was a hard day. I got a letter from Saul, that was good for the most part. Something inside of me cracked and I was so torn up inside that I was writing a letter that I don't really remember what it said while trying for the life of me to justify hurting myself physically. For those of you who don't know already, I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder depression and am a recovering self mutilator. It sucks that that's still on my list of stress relievers. I just wanted something to stop how hurt I was inside. I cried for an hour straight thinking horrible thoughts that I couldn't stop, hurting emotionally so badly that I was actually shaking. I was still going back and forth with my justifications for hurting myself, thinking of how I was going to do it, thinking how I could explain it, but at the same time knowing nothing could justify what I wanted to do to myself. So I forced myself to try to sleep to see if I could calm down. A few hours later, dad told me that Kaiser hospital was on the phone cos I'd missed my surgery consultation for my hands and they needed to reschedule me. It was 3:30 then and they said they could squeeze me in at 5. After I wrote a calmer letter, I mailed it out and went to my appointment.

In a nutshell, the surgeon said that I'm too young and not in enough pain to get surgery and said, "When you can't live with the pain anymore, come back." I asked what I could do about the pain and the swelling in the mean time. Her words: "Live with it." Whatevs, I'm just glad I can start school now.

When I left the hospital, I realized that I shouldn't go home again. I couldn't be alone. I went to a few shops, and to Walmart to see if Kevin would be able to talk to me during his break but I think I was annoying him so I just let it be. I called Tako to see if he'd like to grab a bite. He said he'd eaten but I was welcome to come and to bring a mixer if I wanted to drink.

I went up there, we started drinking and smoking hookah and he cooked me some freakin' tasty meat. And as we drank, it became easier to talk about everything and I told him every single thing inside of me that I hadn't been able to talk to anyone about. We both talked about the past, the present, the uncertain future, our parents, friends, love astrology, the astrological and Chinese zodiac, music theory, people we knew or thought we knew, us then and now, how we've changed, goals, vices, ruts...just everything and it felt so damn good to talk to him because I knew he wasn't judging me or waiting to jump down my throat at something I did wrong or my life's choices. He encouraged me in a lot of things that I was unsure about. I was really close to tears a few times telling him things. I think everyone needs someone to talk to and listen to them sometimes. I'm always there for everyone all the time and it's hard when I need someone because it's like everyone scatters. And some people I have a really hard time talking to because I know they're quick to judge or they're biased. I have no judgment or bias from Tako despite everything that's happened. He even told me he likes the relationship we have now and that I'm reliable and that was something I needed to hear because I feel so strongly at times that I'm so intrusive or a burden to a lot of people. I'm not trying to put him on a pedestal or anything (I'm really not because yes, pedestals do get knocked down) but he is someone very important to me and who I have become in a lot of ways and that has forged his place in my life and heart. He's always there when I need him and always puts a mirror up to who I am and I can't thank him enough for that.

After we passed out, I kept dreaming that Tako and I were robots but Tako didn't believe he was a robot and refused to sell his parts. Yeah, I was fucked up after a few glasses of Dr. Pepper mixed with Jager, vodka and brandy. (not all at the same time BTW and I found out I like brandy! :p) I woke up with a nasty headache and my hand decided it was too weak to open my Gatoraid so I tried cutting the top off with a knife but then found a towl to twist the cap off. I think I woke up drunk still. I called to make an appointment to see Saul as soon as I started drinking the Gatoraid. I couldn't see him yesterday cos he was on discipline. I'm going to see what that's all about tomorrow. Tako woke up shortly after and we started watching Lucky Stars. OMG, totally cute anime, really funny and it's always a random story in each episode, there's no real story line to follow which I thought was really cool! He made us some "poor man's curry" which I applauded, he's a really good cook. After more Lucky Stars, I had to go cos one of my e-bay things sold and I needed to do some shopping before going home to send it out. This may be one of the last times I drink because I'm definitely giving it up for lent. Tako joked that he's going to have parties every night of lent. ::shakes fist:: :p

I was on a mission once again today to find some shoes and brows around for a new camera. I went to Circuit City (where I saw Tonzy! yay!), Target (and got some massaging beads for my hand while I use the computer and a cute swim top!), Ross (where I was tempted to buy a really cute vintage style swim suit but alas, my thighs...), Burlington Coat Factory, DSW Shoe Warehouse (they're hiring!), Best Buy (where I saw an AWESOME camera, I really like it but it's a little pricey so IDK), Jamba Juice (I hadn't had one in forever) and then home to pack up the e-bay item. Dad took me to the post office and then we went to pick up mom. We ate out since I didn't come home in time to make dinner and went out for a walk, the first time in a few weeks we went out for a walk. I felt really good because I was out all day and didn't buy any junk food. Today inadvertently started my new health regimen; eating 2-3 meals a day, no junk food snacks, no eating after 8, lots of water and exercise. I know I'll start losing weight again if I do this.

I'm not sure what tomorrow has for me, I'm really scared to see Saul actually but I need to see him at the same time. I'm confused as fuck in my head and I need to know how things are in his eyes. I hate that we go through these things like this because I know of course that things would be different if he was here but he's not so I have to deal with how things are now. I'm also kind of irked that I feel like I've been wasting my time on someone who obviously is too self-absorbed to help someone who's helped them so many times. Nuts to them. Time to move on. Next week I hope to go to the Buffalo Exchange with Amelindy if she's up for it. I want to go to Little Tokyo, too! So much I want to do. Let's see what's going to happen.

Pray for me. Please.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

the rooster did it