For the past three years I've been seriously depressed and suicidal. I've been thinking about cutting myself a lot these past few months. I want to stop existing altogether to save everyone from myself. It's been worse feeling before when it was new but it's been more persistent and intense these past three years and especially in recent months. I made a promise to someone and to God that I wouldn't cut myself, attempt suicide or commit suicide.

That person now doesn't care if I live or die.

But I know God does.

I can't help but think that so many lives would have been saved from my stupidity, my unjustifiable moods and views, my anger, everything. I've been blessed with so many people but I have not been a blessing. I don't feel good about myself right now. I feel like I'm coming apart again. It's my own fault for not doing what I should. I know I can get over this but it's a long hard road to doing so.

I would love to do nothing more than to disappear right now but I'm going to fight this thing until it's either controlled or over with. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop being this thing. I was doing so well and then...I don't know...I really don't know anymore.

And I really don't mean to be a burden or another sulky person bitching and complaining for no reason. I know I have no valid reason to feel this way and I'm very sorry if I'm making any of you angry or upset. I'm in a weird spot right now and I just want out of it. I hope you can understand.

I'm not going to break any promises. But I'm very scared about what I'm about to go through again. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry.