I had the most extraordinary dream.

You, me and Angie where at my dinner table, but I could not see you very clearly, but I was sitting next to Angie and could see her clear as day. Mind you, I've not really gotten a good look of her and it's been a while since I've seen her so I don't really remember what she looks like, but in my dream, she had the most animated and beautiful eyes and the most lovely face I could imagine her having. And I told her that her eyes were amazing and that she was beautiful and that I was glad she had you. I felt no sadness or regret as I said this. And I could see exactly how your eyes see her and I could feel how much your heart feels for her and I know it's a pure and wonderful feeling that you have.

In the back of my heart, I know you once felt that for me, too, though why that fact isn't really bothering me right now is beyond me (usually this stuff kills me) but I suppose it's because I've changed how I see you. I used to feel within the core of my soul that you were perfect, that you were it, that no one else was even close to you. But now I know better, that you are as ever changing as my emotions and more damaged inside than I could ever comprehend. I've seen these things happen before and that's why I'm afraid for you right now; the higher you climb, the harder you fall and I do not want you to fall again like you were and I feel highly responsible for making you conflicted these past few months and I know I let you get to me, too. And I pray that this is going to make you happy and that nothing will come in the way of it, but I know you are dependent of the circumstances and emotion of that who which you are closest to and you need to be stronger than that and I know you can be.

Please, for the love of God and everything you hold dear to you, don't depend too much on this feeling. I want you to be happy but I also want you to think with your feet on the ground. Accept things as they come and be patient if they don't. This is my own good advice to myself and since I can't take my own advice, I pass it to you.

I'm doing well on my own to be well-contained within myself. I don't need anyone but who I have and the idea of having someone new honestly thrills and horrifies me. Though I've had opportunities lined up (and that one guy who still would do anything for me) I stay away because I don't want to use any of these guys as a distraction for what I feel inside because of my loss. I'm a very visual person and right now I feel there is a shotgun blast wound that came from the inside on my abdomen and I cannot let anyone near me that I do not know until that is healed. And it won't be, not for a while I believe. I know someday I'll find someone again and he'll find me but I do not look forward to that today because I'm afraid I'll push him away.

And yes, I do feel like if I had still had the blessing inside of me it would have ruined the happiness that you felt because I would have complicated things and this is not what you wanted, though I know the joy you would have had in it, you may have lost something more important so I suppose it was a fair trade because I took so much from you. This is your time to be happy. I'm sorry to think like this and say things like this but I have to justify it somehow, that this didn't happen for nothing and that there was a greater purpose for it, if not for me, for you, and I'm not angry at you. Hopefully this will be the last you hear me speak of this. Right now I want nothing more but to join my little love in heaven but I'll wait for that day, whenever it will come. I'm very sick right now but it will pass when my heart and body tell me I'm ready. I think I may need to seek help and I know you will agree.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know you're going to be in it and I'll be in yours always so long as we want that. I'll always be at least your friend who knows too much but nothing at the same time and I'll always enjoy being around you, listening to you talk about your nerd games :p, watching anime, providing you with your sweet sweet crack (haha), just talking about anything or being your shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to your problems. In good times and bad, I'll be here for you. You have my word and part of my heart. Always.

till we part (by will or by force),
xoxo, mErci