Today had to be the saddest most depressing day ever. It didn't start out like that, though. I woke up early so I could go to mom's work and make the copies for the Edge Night. The plan was make the copies, go to Party City and get some supplies we needed, go to the church and do the night. That all got done, yes, and I even saw Ray and Yollie near Party City. I told Yollie to say hi to Armando for me.

When I got there, pretty much everything was set up. I saw Julio and we hugged and said at the same time, "Long time no see!" which is funny since we had seen eachother last night. :)Then he said, "We're going to mass, OK?" and I said, "OK" and he told Johanna, "See? She just said 'OK', not making excuses for God!" cuz Johanna didn't think that we'd have enough time to do both. The mass was in the Guadelupe Chaple which can't be much bigger than my room. It was hot and stuffy, and the mass was in Spanish, but I was glad I was there.

For the Edge, routine planning protocol is meet 2 weeks in advanced with your group, fill out a form that tells the priest what you're doing, and then do what it says you're going to do. I was in charge on the paper for planning, so I had to take charge. I kind of felt after the first meeting that this Edge night was doomed. I guess I was right.

Johanna and Peter (her friend) helped me plan the night. The theme was a fun social, but we were still debating on what to do. So we planned on just singing the whole night with one game before that. I thought it was a good idea because it would be relaxing and everything. Usually an hour and a half before every Edge Night we have a meeting about what's going to happen and who's going to do what. When I gave a rundown of the night (Opening song, Game, Praise and Worship) he kind of threw it in my face that it was supposed to be a social and not a praise and worship night. Then he asked me the usual, "Did you guys meet? Who else helped you? Who is in charge of this night? Did you fill out the form?" Truth be told, we finalized everything Sunday night because we wern't entirely sure on what to do because of lack of resources. So I got figity and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my throat getting tight. I'm really glad that everyone started to jump in and say, "But we can do this" and "We can get that". I felt so blessed. I could feel the disappointment in Father John's voice, though, and I hate that sound in anyone's voice, but when it's my priest? Its salt in the wound. After the meeting, I met up with a couple of people and they said, "What do you want us to do?" and I didn't really know but Adrian, our other head musician, wrote down some games to play. Some people got water balloons for a water balloon toss and thought of ways to kill time. Between me, Adrian, and some other people, we devised a plan of what to do and I wrote down the plan of a piece of paper. I kept misplacing it throughout the night, but I did keep it very close to me. Immidiatly following that, I ran to the bathroom and cried as quietly as I could. Johanna checked in from time to time to see if I was alright.

The whole night was improvised, basically. It started off with a song, then Fermin gave a little talk on respect. Then I gave an opening prayer and Jaime and Adrian put on a little skit. Then Vicky explained a game with some leis that we got at the begining of the night where if we said certain words, we could take away the leis. Whoever had the most leis at the end of the night won a prize. After that, we played a game with a hula hoop where everyone had to get it down a line of people that held hands without using their hands!! (More info, contact me) Then we went outside and played a water relay game, then a water balloon toss.

We then went inside and had 15 minutes of praise and worship, where I found most of the copies that I had made strewn upon the floor. I'm glad I didn't have to pay for any of them. (I made the copies at mom's work) I had bought some candles to light during this time, but Johanna had the only lighter and she had to leave to buy more snacks, so I couldn't light them. After the night was over, I helped put away the chairs and there was a surprise meeting. And I had already called home for a ride. I was stressing because if it was dad, he'd be a little peeved, but mom? She'd be irritated. Before I left for the meeting, I texted John this message:

I'm so fucking sad right now babe I feel like I'm going to fucking burst into tears right now

but my text, like usual, wasn't working properly. The meeting was just about how we thought the night went and I thought, "I suck" but everyone else said that it went great. I'm not convinced because I am the way I am. But maybe it wasn't so bad...but I feel like I basically inconvinienced everyone for something I didn't do that I was supposed to do.

And I hate being an inconvenience.

Sure enough, when I left the meeting, it was mom and she was pissed. I broke down in tears and she was like, "Shit!" so I told her what happened and she basically told me I was stupid for feeling that way and I don't feel that the way I feel has to be dictated by her. We picked up Little Bro and his friend Jordan and we went to Circle K to get some soda (to cheer me up) and cigs (for Little Bro and Jordan). When I got back in the car, me and mom got in an argument about the change I got from the items and by the time we got home, she was yelling at my dad. I went to my room and texted John and called Tonzy, but he was in the shower. I cried and drank my soda and fell in and out of sleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up, I watched T.V. with dad and explained myself and why mom was upset. Play Bro called me with a problem which I thought to be sort of egotistical but at the same time had substance, so I listened while he talked. I wanted to tell him about my nightmare of a night, but he left before I got a chance. Tonzy called too, but I wasn't in the mood at the time to talk so I told him I'd call him tomorrow but he knew something was wrong. I called him later he told me he had a prob (about his girlfriend, go figure) and I told him I had a prob too, but I was going to tell him about it later. He went on and on about her and how he really liked Mela (and I mean, he REALLY liked her, and I'm happy about that!!!) but when I wanted to talk about my problem or when I brought it up, he would divert the conversation. Then he went to sleep. It pisses me off that I'm the advisor but I can't rant once in a while. I truly have no one to talk to about my problems. It pisses me off!!!!

I went online and John was there for me and let me vent for a while. He's such a help. I love him so much. He's an angel. (((love))) *sigh*

Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue this endevor. I'm not a core member of the college team. I mean, if I'm not there, no one really notices. No one really notices when I'm there anyhow. And if I'm not there for a while, people will notice but not take any action further than that. And after that sad Edge night, I'm pretty sure no one will want me to participate in that anymore. What if it happens again? What if I fuck up really bad again? I can't take that chance. Maybe I should dissapear for a while.

I realize today that I truley do not fit in anywhere. I have no place to really call "home". Not even my home! I thought I could call my church my home. But it doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't want to be reminded of the huge mistake I made. This is really depressing me because I really love church. But it's been annoying mom that I spend so much time there anyway. And I don't feel welcome there anymore. I've been feeling this way for a long time but I've tried not to realize it. But I truly don't feel like I belong there anymore. I don't know what to do about it though. Should I go still, but not to Life Teen? Should I go to a different church? Should I just give up on trying to be an insperation to someone? I'm living a double life and it's finally caught up with me and I don't like who I am. Maybe...I should just give up...I don't know...I'm so confused...and I have no one to talk to anymore...

http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258