When you said if you left, that I wouldn't kill myself or threaten to hurt myself, I agreed because it was true.

But if you did have to leave, the process of trying to get over you would start again.

And I'm telling you now, it was a very slow, painful process that I interrupted.

I felt as if I were dying and I was because I had to kill pieces of myself that adored and missed you. I had the most horrible pain in my soul that you could imagine. I wanted so much to be a part of your life again but I wanted to respect you. It was like I had never ever loved anyone else and this was the first time I had my heart broken. I was physically sick every morning. I couldn't eat. Sleeping was disturbed and unpleasant. I thought about you constantly. I begged God to take my pain away anyway he could. I prayed for death. I contemplated, seriously, taking my life and cutting myself but I couldn't because I had hope that I could get through it.

Had I gotten over you, you would have stood in the bone yard of the ones that I adore but have to instill a painful reaction to to stay away from you for the greater good and so you could live your life. I would have been happy knowing you were happy above all but I would have kept my distance as I did before. I would still have respected you to the highest degree and not call you too often or contact you too much so that you may be going well with your life and that I may not interrupt it. I would have taken myself away from you for the greater good so that you may live happy because that's all I've ever wanted.

I'm glad we are where we are now in our strange relationship. I tell people you're my sorta-guy; that I'm seeing you but we're not dating. It's not a typical one or mainstream, but neither are we. I don't know exactly why we're together the way we are or what this means in the grand scheme of things but we both enjoy each other's company and know we care about one another a great deal and I love that. I know I put you through a lot of grief at times but I want to be someone good in your life and I'll always be here for you so long as you want me to be.

I wouldn't kill myself or hurt myself because I would never want to hurt you.
But I would have to kill a big piece of who I am that loves you.
I already had, but it grew back threefold.
I don't want you how I used to but I still would have a hard time taking myself away from you because I love you. But it's because I love you that I would do it.

Always remember that at least one person in this world loves you unconditionally.
I love you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Better if I could find the words to say
Whenever I take a choice it turns away

I'm worn, tired of my mind
I'm worn out, thinking of why
I'm always so unsure