my mind

it goes in between being completely alright to extreams

Like anger.
confusion.
betrayal.
sadness.
depression.

I'm not at rest.

This is going to take some time
Time that I should have used before to get over it

But I was warned
there were moments of hope though

as he said with her
there are moments of hope

who am I to stand in the way of something that would make someone completely happy?
I am no one in that right

I'm afraid if he seeks what he wants and she rejects him it will destroy him
I'm afraid if he gets what he wants and it doesn't work out it will destroy him
I'm afraid if he doesn't get what he wants he will wait until he does and it will destroy me

If he needed me now, I would be there for him, if the above happened, I would ask nothing more of him because he knows I love him inside and out and that if nothing more than this should be that would be alright because I would love him no matter what.

Maybe that's my major flaw; letting him know too much. My honesty is my downfall.
Our honesty...is our downfall.

he knows I wouldn't push him for anything
I only let him know how much I love him always not to make him want to be with me
but to let him know someone loves him very much unconditionally
that's all

No more waiting. I am there in his life still. That's what he wants. Because I am too weak to leave him myself. I am to weak to leave him. I tried so many times to leave him again and I just can't bear the absence. He can do well without me, I'm sure, I know he's done it before but I can't do it.

on the lighter side, if it does work out and they're happy then I will be alright because I can't stand to see him night after night torn between someone he has and is totally loved by and the one he loves and is totally loved by him more. I sought comfort in the fact that I could make him happy in some way while I could but I could never make him truly happy because I'm not her. I can see what he's going for, I totally and undeniably understand what he's doing...

I was in his place months ago, torn between him who loved me so much and so deep
and the one that I loved so much and so deep

and it's strange the similarities in the situation:

The one that I loved made me think there was hope
Told me things that made me believe he loved me
Did things for me that would tell me he did

The one he loves sends mixed signals of hope for a relationship as well
Makes him hold on to hope that they will be together

I don't blame him for trying. I did the same. I failed.

I pray that this doesn't end in heartbreak for him
because it did for me
and I lost everything
for the love of one
that wasn't love at all

At the cost of someone who loved me

But then again, if he really loved me, wouldn't he have still felt the way he did?
If he really loved me...but I know in my heart he really does love me

but he loves her more

it's devastating how edified I've become in the past 3 years that have made me so much more wise and better at handling my emotions and feelings.
I cannot die because of this.
I WILL not die because of this.

There is something out there for me beyond my knowledge and comprehension.
I know not what that is yet but I will wait for it.

I pray for the will of God to come throughout me because I know not what I do anymore

And I pray that if it's in HIS will that I may be with the one I love soon...whoever that may be now or in the future...

till we part (or until you push me away),
mErci