I took a nap and Kevin called me to see how Saul's court went and that he might come pay me a visit. I was so out of it I thought it was morning already when he called so I was like why are you going to visit me so early. Uhh... Saul's mom also called me to see how court went but since I didn't have an answer yet, I hadn't called her back yet.

Saul called me about an hour ago. He said that he didn't go into the court until 10 am and I fucking lost it, I cried and cried cos I wanted to be there for him and I wanted to see him but it said he'd already gone in so how was I to know? He also said he didn't have his lawyer with him but on the forms Mr. K showed me there was a different name on there than what Saul said. And he said that one of the other defendants that's charged with him said she'd defend him.

This was what he called a "dry run" because his lawyer wasn't there and it was reset to the 9th of January. I couldn't get a hold of his dad and Saul said he needed to tell him something. He said he was going to call his mom after he talked me. He also told me that the weather was pretty bad up there and not to come visit because he wants me to be safe.

I feel so lost right now, there was no resolve and things are more confusing than they were already. I have no idea what all of this means except for that in the end this is going to be one hell of a payoff. I'm so shaken but I still have so much faith and so much hope in the situation. God doesn't put anything in your path that you can't handle and this is just going to make us very very strong in the end, I know it will. I'm wondering why, why did this happen again, why did this man do this to so many people, why this this have to happen, what's going to happen, when will this all end, but that's not for me to know right now, it'll all be revealed in time. I just wish I could take him out of there. I wish...

Mike called me and I told him a little bit of what's happened and he said for me to stay strong and that it sucks what's happening. My mom supports me a lot because she knows how much I love him. My dad understands how I feel but doesn't say anything either way except for Saul got the short end of the stick here.

I think I'll go to Hot Topic and see if they have any more of those pendants for sale. If anything it'll be a little trip to get my mind off things, even though I really don't want to go anywhere right now, I need to do something. I can feel my heart racing. Or maybe I'll finish my squirrel. Saul told me to go to the convention and have fun because I deserve to go out. *sigh* I love him so much. I'm going to make it to his next court date I hope, if I'm not working by then or anything. I feel so sick. I don't know what to do right now except to keep praying and keep having faith and being as strong as I can for him.

If I win the lottery, I'm going to bail him out.

xoxo, mErci