I went to the doc yesterday and he said that I have arthritis in my chest. Good new considering I thought I had *more* heart problems. :( He gave me a low dose of SOMA (!) (which is funny because that's what I want to name my future daughter) and it left me fucking stoned all day. I went out with Mike real quick to the Puente Hills mall and I couldn't will myself to be normal. He saw me in all my lethargic glory. Uh...I feel as if I'm this big bag of everything he never wanted or needed. I really am fond of Mike, but I feel like I'm ruining it. I'm staying optimistic, but reserving my pessimism. What else could I do?

Doc gave me some new pills today that didn't leave me melting into the seat cushions of my couch. But I'm still sick. :( I spent the day rearranging the temporary staples of my life and searching for the perfect version of Pavane by Gabriel Faure that I used to listen to when I was meloncholy or contemplative. I'm always sick. I'm never well. I will always be sick and there's nothing I can do about that. I want to be well, I really do. I take pills every day to stop this and correct that and fix this and start that. Fuck. I'm pills. If you cut open my veins, a rainbow assortment of pills will fall out onto the floor. Sometimes I'm tired of taking pills in vain. The fact that there's nothing I can do to do anything about my illnesses completely and utterly frustrates me. I don't want to be a walking bottle of pills anymore. It wasn't that bad when I started getting perscribed these things to help me. But what is there after the pills run out? When the pharmacy is out of my perscription? When I don't take my pills on time? I turn into a train wreck. That's when I'm truley myself. That's me. I don't want to be kept together by artificial means anymore. But if I am not supplemented by my drugs, I'm nothing more than faster decaying flesh in an empty shell of who and what I used to be.

I'm tired all the time. I used to not be tired. I used to get up and stay up all day. And now I sleep. If I'm not sleeping, I'm taking pills. If I'm not taking pills, I'm sleeping. If I can't sleep, I take pills. If I can't take pills, I don't sleep. Everything is linked to the chemicals my body can't provide itself or the enzymes it provides too much of. I am a system of trama and disease, a hopeless, endless ball of depression and scar tissue. I want to be normal, wait, no, I want to be able to *function* normal and be able to do things people take for granted. Like stand for more than 2 hours at a time without thier legs starting to hurt. Or go out in the sun without overheating in the first 30 minutes. Or sleep without having to wake up every hour or so because their heart is beating so rapidly and irregularly that it sends them in a panic.

Maybe I'm just being a complete and utter bitch and should stop complaining about these things because most of them are my fault. But I think there comes a breaking point where I have to bitch about it or else I think that this is how it's supposed to be and I know damn well that it's not. I feel like I'm living in vain, that no matter what I do, it doesn't matter in the end. I may not live past 25. I still may never be able to have children. I still may not ever be able to live without pills. But at the same time, there's always that curious notion of "what if" I do overcome and live with a family and healthy at that? *sigh*...

...my morbid curiosity will be my ultimate downfall.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away