Tako and I had our first fight last night. On AIM of all things. I can pin-point the exact sentances that lead to the demise of that conversations. Fuck.

Is it wrong of me to want to wait to get with someone? Even if I know that person's a good person? Is it wrong of me to want to take some time for myself and evaluate the shit that I've gone through for the past some-odd years I've been in relationships and breathe? I'm left at a crossroads; either I get with someone to make them happy but not me (and that's what fucked up a lot of good relationships) or I say no to them and they leave me. I am what I am, I'm trying to change me and I'm trying to live my life without the constrictions and rules of having a boyfriend. Is that so fucking wrong??? I just want to be me, be free, have fun and yes, it is wonderful that someone decided to come around and love me and I love him, too, but I don't think that means we have to act on impulse to be together to be happy. I think we make eachother happy just fine without the labels and rules. I know he wants me for his own, and that's so beautiful, but I can't be sure that's what I want right now. I know I want to be with him but I can't be with anyone right now until I straighten myself out. I feel like the bad guy for wanting to do that, but I know in my heart it's what I have to do. And if he leaves, he has to leave and i can't do anything about that, but I'd rather hurt someone that loves me by not being ready than hurt them by not being ready while in a relationship.

I didn't sleep at all last night. We talked for nearly 4 hours or so, going about in circles and whatnot. I'm so tired. I cried my eyes out last night. I cried like I havn't cried in a long time. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the lack of sleep or the frustration. But I cried. Because I was hurt. He said somethings that hurt me. And he said if we didn't rush into things, he wouldn't hurt me. And I'm not rushing and I still got hurt. And I more than likely said things that hurt him. This hasn't even started yet and we're already damaging eachother. Do I dare venture on beyond this? Do I go any farther than this? I will NOT repeat my past mistakes...I want to work on fixing myself...I feel so fucking selfish for wanting to, though, I feel so wrong. I know he's great and he'll make me so happy, but he makes me happy already...fuck!!!! Why do these things always happen?! I didn't look for love, love found me, and now it's hurting me again. Why? I'm trying to do everything right. I'm trying to do everything I can to make it so I can have a healthy, happy relationship with someone and now maybe I can't have that because I'll be too focused on myself? no, bullshit...I'm so torn, forgive my ranting, I've just not had enough sleep, I'm tired, pissed off, frustrated, hurt, sad, depressed, emotionally drained and I want this to go away. I don't even know where to begin fixing this. I don't know where to being...I don't know what to do...I feel like such a fucking bitch...I feel like I'm the wrong one here...I don't deserve this...I really don't...I just tried to make him happy, but I guess what I'm doing's not enough...fuck....what am I going to do?

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you're my little razor blade