Thursday: Saw Shawn Bland at work. He used to stalk me in high school and K-Mart. He used to tell my co-workers that I was his baby's mama, that we were married and lived together. And wait for me after work. Now he's a vendor at work. He kept asking me when my break was. I ran to the back and called Mike. I was seriously freaked out.My brain couldn't take that. I fainted. Bad. I went to the hospital. They asked if I was on seizure meds and driving. I said no/yes. They suspended my liscense. They gave me topomax. It made me manic, anxious, and psychotic. I felt like it was the end of the world. Mike was there the whole time. Mike helped me.

Friday: Marathon appointments, one after another. Mike and I had about 4 hours of sleep between us. And we were hungry. I had one to refere me to psychiatry. Then to psychiatry to the *other* psychiatry center. They took me off topomax, put me back on ambilify and klozepan. This will stabilize my mood, get rid of my anxiety and it has an anti-seizure property. If I'm seizure free for 3 months I get my liscense back.

Mike did all this with no complaints. Just love and concern for me. We fell asleep in my bed. I held on to him the whole time. I held on to him...

I cried a lot today.

It was also the Wal*Mart Christmas party extraveganza. (fer sure, it was outside in a giant tent) I sat next to Eddie while Mike mingled. Mike and I had a good conversation on the way there. I won a watch and Mike won some tupperware from the drawing. Some people got fired for bringing beer. I got my external harddrive. We had dinner at Red Robins and went to Tower Records.

Saturday: Mike picked me up for work and he dropped me off. I cried a lot today, too. Abel and Vidal talk to me after work and that makes me feel cool. I like getting to know Abel.

Sunday: Parents don't know any of the things that have been going on at work. They just know that my meds have changed and I can't drive. (right) They drop me off and pick me up from work. Mike picks me up for church. After church he drops me off at home. I order pizza, he buys chips, beer, and soda. We eat, then try to hook up my DSL. It fails. But we laugh watching The Simpsons and Family Guy. Then we're alone in my room. My Room leads to things we shouldn't do. ANd we cry. But at the same time unearths some answers to questions that I had no idea bothered me. The most important thing he told me was that maybe God will send me to be his next love again. I pray that He does when we're ready.

Today: Felt sick at work and went home early. One of my co-workers is pregnant as I start my period today. But I know if I was pregnant, Mike would probably want to marry me and I want him to marry me because he loves me and wants to, not because he feels he has to. I had lunch with a co-worker called BJ. He's really interesting. I added him on myspace.

Jordan visited me! :D I love that guy.

I feel woozy from my meds. I'm on 5 hours of sleep and .5 mg of ambilify. I shouldn't be driving, not only legally but physically. I want a video ipod. I'm going to get it with my extra 10% discount. hehehe.

MY DSL WORKS!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

my new e-mail (that I probably won't use) : [email protected]

it's cute, yes?

School's starting soon. I have a lot of thinking to do. Do I really want to move to Seattle or Oregon? Did I mispell Oregon just now? Fuck. Do I really want to leave everything and everyone?

In the mean time, Laughlin, here we come. :) Three more weeks, babe. Three more weeks.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I feel a burning in your body's core
It's a yearning that you cant ignore
I gotta go out tonight
Hey Johnny I got faith in you man
I mean it, it's gonna be all right
He's convinced himself right in his brain
That it helps to take away the pain
Hey what you say Johnny
Tell us what's going on
Feel's like everything's wrong
Hey what you say Johnny
If the future is real
Johnny, you've got to heal
Hey what you say Johnny