As some of you know I've been sick with a virus of some sort. No symptoms for the first week (that my lymph nodes swelled up) until last week, some coughing, some congestion, sneezing, fatigue. This week, my lymph nodes swelled up even bigger and I'm having more symptoms, more fatigue, feverish, it's just not fun cos I want to do so many things but I'm limited cos I get wiped out so easily and I tend to get more dizzy and disoriented lately. Tonight I was supposed to meet up some friends at a bar in LA and then go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show cos Terrance Zdunich is doing a signing of THe Molting Chapter 2 but if I go I will pay horrifyingly later. I'm pissed off but I can meet with friends later and I can buy a copy of the graphic novel off Terrance Zdunich's website. If I go out tonight, I know I will be dangerously close to collapsing.

On Wednesday I had class and I was fine save from feeling a bit feverish and tired. Teach told me to go home but I told her if I went home early my parents will think I'd done something wrong. She likes my sense of humour. :p I graded papers and set up for lab like always, but after a fellow student of mine injected me with some subcutaneous shots (under and behind the arm, basically) I had a DARK bruise show up and both my hands started to swell. It wasn't too noticeable at first, then they swelled up like two puffy balloons. I ran to Teach and she said not to do anymore injections and to keep my hands elevated. I had to push in chairs after class to clean up with my knees! haha. Teach said cos my immune system is so very very low right now my body is sensitive and I acquired a mild allergy to latex. She also said that someone could be exposed to something every single day and all of a sudden develop an allergy to it. I'm glad I did stay in class cos we're doing phlebotomy (blood drawing) next and that interests me very much!

Thursday I went to Cyrene's to drop off some money for ALA Con. I got lost going to Lollicup, it was quite funny! We hung out for a bit, I met her friends Clark and Michael. I then hung out with Tako for a good long time at his house, I'm very glad to have hung out with him that night as he is moving and it's uncertain when I'll be able to see him again, that scares me but at the same time I accept it. I have no choice, really. I came home, crashed around 6am, I woke up hurting something fierce, I hurt all over but not enough to get up so I went back to sleep. Later in the day on Friday, Albard came to hang out with me and run some errands while we waited for his car to be dropped off. The parents and I went to Chili's for dinner, Ross (where I got an Oogie Boogie Man plushie, fancy hand mirror and a dress that would have been perfect for my Arbok cosplay if it hadn't been the wrong shade of purple, gotta take it back) and Target where I got a book called Thirteen Reasons Why. I'm very excited to read this book!

Today, at 5:30am, my family and I went to Walmart to be one of the first in line to get a Wii for only $199 PLUS a free $50 gift card! It was advertised on TV and I'd gone to the store to ask about it and they said the sale would start at 8am. My family and I have been planning to get ourselves a Wii for Christmas as a family gift so this worked out very very well! (We were 2nd in line, by the way!)

As we entered the electronics section, who should I see but a former co-worker of mine, James! I was so happy to see him and he seemed happy to see me as well. We talked for a bit, catching up and such about jobs and lack there of. He told me that we should hang out again sometime, that his days off were still the same and we checked to make sure we still had each other's numbers. I was very happy to see him and gave him hugs. When I went to where my mom was in line, she asked me and my dad to do some shopping while she waited and I realized that was a great idea because if I stood around, I would have kept staring at James the entire time. Even when I came back into the line, I'd look at him working and every so often our eyes would meet and I could feel myself blush a little which is very hard to make me do.

I don't remember quite how it came to be but James and I used to hang out a lot at work, we'd talk to each other as my morning shift started and his graveyard shift ended. He gave the greatest hugs. *^.^* I liked him cos he looked so cool, he dressed goth and had a streak in his hair and liked a lot of kick-ass bands. On paydays he'd wait for me until it was my lunch hour and we'd go out to lunch with one another, sometimes we'd talk on the phone though we didn't have a lot to say. I had a huge crush on him back then but I always found myself being too coy to say anything about it, plus I didn't want him to reject me and make it awkward for him to be around me. We went out once to see a movie, it was a kind of a tense evening cos the whole time I didn't want to say anything stupid or spill the beans, even though I really wanted to tell him what was on my mind. Also, he's about 8 or 9 years older than I am so I felt he wouldn't want anything to do with me in that way. After a while, we didn't hang out as much because I'd started to date someone else and life got a bit complicated on my end. Every once and a while we'd still talk and run into each other but we saw one another less and less. About a year before and a few months after I got fired from Walmart I would only see him when I would go there during the graveyard shift every so often but then I didn't see him at all for a few months so I thought he'd left Walmart and I was sad because I did miss him.

Seeing him again was so awesome and he's a great person, it also made me realize I still had a bit of a crush on him but at the same time I wasn't so hard on myself to think I'd say something stupid or that anything was going to slip out or come out wrong. James is a good guy and an old friend no question, and I've long ago put barriers on how far that relationship would go and left it where it stood and haven't wanted to move it since. Above all else, I have Saul and I'm very very happy with him, no one past, present or future can come near me as he is with me. I am happily taken and make no efforts to hide it, I'm very happy with who I'm with. I'm just waiting for him to stand with me by my side, that day will come soon. <3

After we were checking out of Walmart, Kevin found & met up with us and chatted for a bit. Mom asked him if he needed a ride to his house and he accepted. After we dropped him off, we went home and slept for a bit. I slept longer than I wanted to but had to get up as we had a lot of things to do. By the time we got back home so I could get ready to leave, I was extremely fatigued to the point where I was forgetting things, couldn't concentrate, the walls were moving and my parents said they were worried about me going out, especially cos I was going out alone. So here I am, writing, shopping online and preparing for tomorrow which entails church and possibly going to Disneyland with Matt though that's highly doubtful cos it will probably rain. That's fine, though, I'll wait till it's cold yet dry!

Saul called me a bit ago, I'm always happy to hear from him though I feel like a loser right now cos I can't get anything done for him that he asked of me right now. I've thought about the same thing for a few weeks, how I could have someone so wonderful with me when I haven't been the best person to him, when I'm always so sick. He sent me such sweet letters and cards this week, I am so blessed with him and love him so very much, he holds me so high in his heart. I just don't understand why when I have hurt him so much, how could he want to be with me when I was so hurtful to him? I don't want him to wake up one day and realize he's not happy with me and I'm bad for him. I don't want to ruin him. I love him.

We'll have a lot to talk about once I see him next weekend, I'm very much looking forward to our visit. My grandmother is letting me borrow her car for that occasion. She asked me where I was going and I told her Avenal, she said, "Oh, I've been to visit there before!" (Our family has a bit of a shaky legal history, but who's doesn't?) I'm going to take her out this week to shop for food and hang out, I haven't seen her a lot these past few weeks and that's my fault.

*sigh* so much this week (never mind this year) has changed, what I know and what things I should have seen. I'm hoping to get a lot of things resolved soon. Most importantly right now I know I have to take care of myself or else I'm going to hurt myself. I want to get well in all aspects of what getting well entails. Now to stay warm, relax and keep busy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I've got one friend
laying across form me
I did not choose him
he did not choose me
we've got no chance of recovery
joy and hospital
joy and misery
joy and misery
joy and misery