It took me a while to see how incredibly fucked up you really are. How you use your madness to your cunning advantage. How are you going to take care of someone else when you need help? When you're messed up inside? I tried to help but it meant nothing because I am not the one you need help from. You're all kinds of fucked up but I was warned and I'm sorry that I was so blindly in love that I still tried my best to make you happy when it was just a waste because you still pushed me away.

I still think about the night we watched Identity, and you were on top of me and you told me, "You know I love you, right?" I think about it because I fell in love with you all over again at that moment. I hate that I have to remember it over and over again and have to remind myself that it's not that way anymore. Why would you tell me that, knowing how I felt...I know you felt it too but even if you still love me in a little way it has to be dead to me because you told someone else you loved her and I know you put more meaning into that, even though I was the one who spent almost every night with you, even though I spent my money on you, made you lunches, did favors for you, helped you...why do I mean nothing now? It would be easy for me to think that you used me this whole time, and in a way you did and I let you, you knew you didn't want to keep me but you still did, but I knew what was coming and I still stayed. In that way, we're both fucked up. Royally. Fucked. Up.

You...
I saw you standing there
and I had a million questions in my heart
but none of the answers you could probably give me
would make me feel better,
it would just beget more questions
and I don't have time to listen to what was
what could have been or any of that
I would rather have all this anger, shame, depression, guilt and sorrow
and throw it away someplace for the sake of you
because I'm trying not to love you
but you want me around in some way still
so I'm trying to get over you the only way I know how;
by drilling it in my head that you are not the first man
to leave me for another woman
not the first to warn me that I was going to get hurt
not the first to keep me around even though you would not keep me
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being honest always
but you still broke a promise
and I have fractured trust in you
and in a way you have become like a lot of guys
but I'm sure there's still something good in you somewhere

I can't touch you anymore, nor do I want to. I despise you right now for no good reason and that's just my irrational part coming out because I am hurt. Just let me be hurt right now. Let me be angry. Let me be me who I've become right now. I know you can relate. If you want me, come find me, I can't seek you right now, but I know you're too distracted to seek me anyway, so we'll just see what happens. Know that I'm not really angry right now, just unreasonable and a little on the edge. I tried my best to stifle my own depression, and you boast about how crazy you are, but I cannot because my depression is only dangerous to myself and that's the way I have to keep it because I cannot lash out at others even when they deserve it because I know I can't make great decisions at this time. I want to tear out everything that's inside me right now but I made that promise that I wouldn't...I hate some of the promises I made to you...but I'm glad I made them because I don't want to regret anything right now.

I'm sorry you're reading this but this is my release. I need to get this out. I can be completely different tomorrow. I was completely different two days ago. I am more irrational this week because I'm close to my cycle so please forgive me if any of this offends or saddens you but this is how I feel. How you feel is how you feel.

I'm hoping, for your sake, that I get out of this quickly, only because you still want me in your life. How often or to what extent, I don't know, you haven't told me, but like you said, I hope that I can only care for you as I do a close friend because you have done a lot for me and I am grateful. Just give me my space, you can call if you like though I doubt you will, but give me my space to grieve. I love you but I'm trying to stop as much. I know you love me too but I know it means little to you in comparison. Even so...

I love you and I'm trying to stop.